ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR MARRIAGE?
NOVEMBER 2012
by Lisa Maki
If there is one question that several women have asked me over and over again, it is: How do I know if I am ready for marriage? I often encounter this question when I tell them that until they are ready for marriage, they shouldn’t even be dating.
I’m sure you will agree with me that dating can be pretty tiring when you are trying to look for the one for you. This is the world’s way. It is like a selection process that you have to go through ... sorting through each man and trying him. This is definitely not God’s way. God has only one person for you and you are not supposed to be testing each one until you find the right one. You are supposed to wait on God to bring you that man. And if you are truly seeking Him on this one, you will know when the time comes.
So imagine if you are not even thinking of marriage but you are already dating. What is that for? Of course we know that the world calls it a “need to be with somebody”. It is trying to be intimate with someone without the commitment of marriage. Do you know who is like that? The devil! Satan is someone who always wants intimacy without commitment. Even if you are planning to get married next month, you are still not married until you make that vow before God and seal your commitment through the covenant you make in marriage. Only then are you allowed by God to be physically intimate with each other and consummate the marriage through the act of lovemaking. Any violation of this instruction from the Lord will ruin whatever relationship you have, no matter how beautiful it may seem.
Until you get this, you are not ready for marriage. Until you learn to be celibate, you are not ready for marriage. Until you understand that your body belongs to the Lord and should not be shared with anyone except your future spouse and only after you are married, then you are not ready to be married. If you have not been unattached and celibate for at least a year, I don’t think you are ready for marriage.
Marriage is all about giving, serving, and sacrificing. It is not about getting what you need and want, but giving what your spouse needs and wants. It is about serving God. It is about being obedient to His Word. So if you can’t be obedient to God when you are single, what makes you think that you can be obedient to Him when you are married?
This leads me to my next point, which is surrender. When you get married, you surrender yourself to God as to what He expects from you as a wife. You also surrender yourself to your husband and subordinate yourself to him. This is not easy for those women who have been single moms for a long time, those who are leaders in ministry, and those who are leaders in their careers. This was the case with me. So until you are ready to surrender everything to Jesus at this point, you are not ready for marriage.
Will you be able to give up your career now if God tells you to do so? What if you lose your house that you have worked so hard for? What if God tests you financially and you lose your job? What if God kicks you out of being a ministry leader just to prove to Himself if you will surrender to Him or not? If you can’t even fathom these thoughts and can’t even say that you will surrender to God when it happens, then you are not fully surrendered to Him and are not ready for marriage.
Do you know how to cook? Do you know how to keep your house clean? Do you know how to give back rubs? Do you know how to take care of children? These are things that you have to prepare for before you even get married.
I was shocked to find out recently that in the 1950’s, the American Home Economics textbook had a special section on How to be A Good Wife. Women then were trained not only to keep a home and take care of children but how to treat their husbands with respect. Where did all that go? What happened to our society?
Don’t give me the excuse that you are not domesticated or that you will learn as you go along. The preparation starts now. If you are not even concerned about any of these, you are so far from being ready to be married.
How I wish I were like my mom who was a pure virgin when she met my Dad. They were already in graduate school when they met and my Mom has never had a boyfriend. It’s not that my Mom never had men following her around. She was very beautiful and men were just dying to be with her. However, she chose to remain pure and wait for the right one for her. As a result of her purity, my Mom never had issues that she carried with her into the marital bed. I never saw her feel jealous or insecure. She had no point of comparison. My Dad was the only man in her life.
But most of us have never been like this. Chances are just like me, you have been with different men, probably even previously married and now divorced. Most of you have had sex with different guys and have for sure established soul ties with them. Most of you have been badly hurt in your previous relationships. Imagine carrying all these with you in your marriage. This will spell disaster for you and your future spouse. It is for this reason why you need to heal first before you get married. Thus, until you are healed, you are not ready for marriage.
How do you know if you’re healed? ... you may ask. A sign of healing would be forgiveness for the person or people who have hurt you in the past. Once you have come to terms with what happened to you, have repented for it, have released forgiveness, and can think about it without feeling hurt or angry, then you have healed. If you are still thinking of that person once in a while and still having that ache in your heart or wishing that you ended up with him, then you have not healed yet. This is why I never advice women to go into another relationship after breaking up from one. The shortest time I give them is six months to a year.
You can choose to follow my advice or not. If you choose to, it will greatly benefit you and your future husband and children. If you choose not, you can still experience a good marriage, but it will be more challenging and trying, and may cause you to give up.
As to my final note, I want you to bear in mind that marriage is not just the joining of a man and a woman. It is the replica of God’s relationship with His church. Everything you will do in marriage will make you draw closer or move away from this great plan of God. It can prepare you to be Jesus’ future bride, or it can disqualify you.
As I said in one of my songs: Marriage is bigger than what you think it is. Your preparation starts now. Your healing starts now. Your surrender starts now. You obedience to God’s perfect will starts now.
God wants full ownership of your heart. Until He is sure that He has no competition, He will not release you to your man. If you insist without His permission, He may turn you over to the enemy and you will surely suffer. So many married women can attest to this one, for sure.
Examine yourself. Meditate on what I have shared with you here and be honest with yourself. Ask God to search your heart and know you. Ask Him to expose more things to you about yourself that need some change. Ask Him to fully prepare you for the man that He has set aside for you.
I’m sure you will agree with me that dating can be pretty tiring when you are trying to look for the one for you. This is the world’s way. It is like a selection process that you have to go through ... sorting through each man and trying him. This is definitely not God’s way. God has only one person for you and you are not supposed to be testing each one until you find the right one. You are supposed to wait on God to bring you that man. And if you are truly seeking Him on this one, you will know when the time comes.
So imagine if you are not even thinking of marriage but you are already dating. What is that for? Of course we know that the world calls it a “need to be with somebody”. It is trying to be intimate with someone without the commitment of marriage. Do you know who is like that? The devil! Satan is someone who always wants intimacy without commitment. Even if you are planning to get married next month, you are still not married until you make that vow before God and seal your commitment through the covenant you make in marriage. Only then are you allowed by God to be physically intimate with each other and consummate the marriage through the act of lovemaking. Any violation of this instruction from the Lord will ruin whatever relationship you have, no matter how beautiful it may seem.
Until you get this, you are not ready for marriage. Until you learn to be celibate, you are not ready for marriage. Until you understand that your body belongs to the Lord and should not be shared with anyone except your future spouse and only after you are married, then you are not ready to be married. If you have not been unattached and celibate for at least a year, I don’t think you are ready for marriage.
Marriage is all about giving, serving, and sacrificing. It is not about getting what you need and want, but giving what your spouse needs and wants. It is about serving God. It is about being obedient to His Word. So if you can’t be obedient to God when you are single, what makes you think that you can be obedient to Him when you are married?
This leads me to my next point, which is surrender. When you get married, you surrender yourself to God as to what He expects from you as a wife. You also surrender yourself to your husband and subordinate yourself to him. This is not easy for those women who have been single moms for a long time, those who are leaders in ministry, and those who are leaders in their careers. This was the case with me. So until you are ready to surrender everything to Jesus at this point, you are not ready for marriage.
Will you be able to give up your career now if God tells you to do so? What if you lose your house that you have worked so hard for? What if God tests you financially and you lose your job? What if God kicks you out of being a ministry leader just to prove to Himself if you will surrender to Him or not? If you can’t even fathom these thoughts and can’t even say that you will surrender to God when it happens, then you are not fully surrendered to Him and are not ready for marriage.
Do you know how to cook? Do you know how to keep your house clean? Do you know how to give back rubs? Do you know how to take care of children? These are things that you have to prepare for before you even get married.
I was shocked to find out recently that in the 1950’s, the American Home Economics textbook had a special section on How to be A Good Wife. Women then were trained not only to keep a home and take care of children but how to treat their husbands with respect. Where did all that go? What happened to our society?
Don’t give me the excuse that you are not domesticated or that you will learn as you go along. The preparation starts now. If you are not even concerned about any of these, you are so far from being ready to be married.
How I wish I were like my mom who was a pure virgin when she met my Dad. They were already in graduate school when they met and my Mom has never had a boyfriend. It’s not that my Mom never had men following her around. She was very beautiful and men were just dying to be with her. However, she chose to remain pure and wait for the right one for her. As a result of her purity, my Mom never had issues that she carried with her into the marital bed. I never saw her feel jealous or insecure. She had no point of comparison. My Dad was the only man in her life.
But most of us have never been like this. Chances are just like me, you have been with different men, probably even previously married and now divorced. Most of you have had sex with different guys and have for sure established soul ties with them. Most of you have been badly hurt in your previous relationships. Imagine carrying all these with you in your marriage. This will spell disaster for you and your future spouse. It is for this reason why you need to heal first before you get married. Thus, until you are healed, you are not ready for marriage.
How do you know if you’re healed? ... you may ask. A sign of healing would be forgiveness for the person or people who have hurt you in the past. Once you have come to terms with what happened to you, have repented for it, have released forgiveness, and can think about it without feeling hurt or angry, then you have healed. If you are still thinking of that person once in a while and still having that ache in your heart or wishing that you ended up with him, then you have not healed yet. This is why I never advice women to go into another relationship after breaking up from one. The shortest time I give them is six months to a year.
You can choose to follow my advice or not. If you choose to, it will greatly benefit you and your future husband and children. If you choose not, you can still experience a good marriage, but it will be more challenging and trying, and may cause you to give up.
As to my final note, I want you to bear in mind that marriage is not just the joining of a man and a woman. It is the replica of God’s relationship with His church. Everything you will do in marriage will make you draw closer or move away from this great plan of God. It can prepare you to be Jesus’ future bride, or it can disqualify you.
As I said in one of my songs: Marriage is bigger than what you think it is. Your preparation starts now. Your healing starts now. Your surrender starts now. You obedience to God’s perfect will starts now.
God wants full ownership of your heart. Until He is sure that He has no competition, He will not release you to your man. If you insist without His permission, He may turn you over to the enemy and you will surely suffer. So many married women can attest to this one, for sure.
Examine yourself. Meditate on what I have shared with you here and be honest with yourself. Ask God to search your heart and know you. Ask Him to expose more things to you about yourself that need some change. Ask Him to fully prepare you for the man that He has set aside for you.
