DO NOT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF IN MARRIAGE
Most if not all big arguments and frustrations in marriage start with very petty issues that got blown out of proportion. I should know because I have been there many times and continue to go through it. Lately, when I was struggling again with some major frustrations in my marriage, God set me aside and told me ... “Don't sweat the small stuff”. I then realized, more than ever, the truth behind these familiar words.
Years ago a good friend of mine reminded me of this same thing. She was with her husband buying furniture and felt that her husband didn't have her same good taste for it. The salesperson in the store probably noticed her irritation and told her these same words ... don't sweat the small stuff.
It does sound so true and pretty understandable. Yet, it is easier said than done. In fact, we hardly even notice when we sweat the small stuff in our marriage because they appear so big ... like a huge mountain to conquer.
It does sound so true and pretty understandable. Yet, it is easier said than done. In fact, we hardly even notice when we sweat the small stuff in our marriage because they appear so big ... like a huge mountain to conquer.
Speaking of mountains, I remember talking to my husband on webcam one day, before I moved here to America. I saw a big pile of clothes behind him and asked what it was. He said: “Those are my clothes” (as if I didn't know). So I asked: “dirty clothes for washing?” to which he replied: "No". I started thinking to myself: “Why are his clean clothes all piled up on the floor and not in his closet"? I held my tongue and didn't verbalize my thought. Instead, I said: “I command that mountain to move, in Jesus' name”. We both started laughing. Little did I know that the mountain was bigger than I thought and that it was not meant for me to move it, but it to move me.
As the eldest child in a brood of five, I was the third in command after my dad and mom. I was the boss when they were not around, and was also expected to clean up my siblings' mess. My sister and I shared the same room and I always ended up cleaning and organizing it. Growing up with parents who are both clean and organized made this a norm to me.
Being a single mom to two boys became a challenge for me. However, I was still the boss and they were permitted to be messy in their bedrooms, but not in my territory -- which included the rest of the house. I also had maids back then helping me with cleaning.
So imagine my shock and frustration when I married my husband and saw the ‘mountain’ in reality. As I went from room to room in his house, which was also my house, I realized the amount of cleaning and organizing to be done. It got me excited though. It was a project I was ready to tackle. “I am going to make our house look really good”, I thought to myself.
As the eldest child in a brood of five, I was the third in command after my dad and mom. I was the boss when they were not around, and was also expected to clean up my siblings' mess. My sister and I shared the same room and I always ended up cleaning and organizing it. Growing up with parents who are both clean and organized made this a norm to me.
Being a single mom to two boys became a challenge for me. However, I was still the boss and they were permitted to be messy in their bedrooms, but not in my territory -- which included the rest of the house. I also had maids back then helping me with cleaning.
So imagine my shock and frustration when I married my husband and saw the ‘mountain’ in reality. As I went from room to room in his house, which was also my house, I realized the amount of cleaning and organizing to be done. It got me excited though. It was a project I was ready to tackle. “I am going to make our house look really good”, I thought to myself.
It didn't take long before I found out that keeping the house organized and clean did not even last for a few days. After folding his clothes nicely fresh from the laundry, it will be back on the floor in a pile again, a few hours later. This is not to mention all the other piles of mess everywhere in the house. After returning them to their rightful places, they will be back again in all the wrong places. To make matters worse, my husband didn't even want me organizing them. Oh wow! I realized then that I was not the boss anymore.
There was a time when he brought home a water dispenser and placed it in the living room. I moved it to the dining room where it belongs. He asked me why I moved it, and I told him that it doesn't belong in the living room. His next question and reaction baffled me. He said: “And who told you that what you think is right? Just to prove to you that you are wrong and that I can do what I want in my house, I will not only put that back in the living room but will rearrange everything”. I felt so sick in my stomach. The argument that followed almost made me leave my husband.
There was a time when he brought home a water dispenser and placed it in the living room. I moved it to the dining room where it belongs. He asked me why I moved it, and I told him that it doesn't belong in the living room. His next question and reaction baffled me. He said: “And who told you that what you think is right? Just to prove to you that you are wrong and that I can do what I want in my house, I will not only put that back in the living room but will rearrange everything”. I felt so sick in my stomach. The argument that followed almost made me leave my husband.
The awesome thing about arguments though is that it exposes issues buried within. When my husband asked me what makes me think I am right, he exposed something from me. He said something too about himself that made me see where he was coming from. He said: “You are just like my family. They think their way is the right way all the time”.
My husband's dad is way overboard clean and organized. His house looks like nobody lives there -- like it is just for viewing. His mom is also a very clean and organized person. In fact, my cleaning style won't pass her standards. My husband's grandma is another example. Everything has to be right where she wants it. She did not even want her furniture moved. Her house looked exactly the same as it did over 50 years ago.
My husband's dad is way overboard clean and organized. His house looks like nobody lives there -- like it is just for viewing. His mom is also a very clean and organized person. In fact, my cleaning style won't pass her standards. My husband's grandma is another example. Everything has to be right where she wants it. She did not even want her furniture moved. Her house looked exactly the same as it did over 50 years ago.
Now you have two major issues here: a husband rebelling against order and rigidity, and a wife fighting to keep her house clean and organized. Who will win? Not my husband, but not me either.
What I didn't know was that God enrolled me in a crash course on pride breaking and submission through this big mountain. It took a lot of frustrations, arguments, silent treatments, and sleepless nights before I started getting it. Actually, the mere fact that I am writing this article only now shows you that it is a new lesson learned.
One evening recently, my husband decided to rearrange the furniture. I felt sick to my stomach again before even seeing what he did. I ran to the bathroom and cried out to God. That's when He said: Don't sweat the small stuff, Lisa. Don't let that stress you out. It is too petty. I tried to negotiate with God but all He told me was: It's going to be ok. That was the beginning of my self-examination in this area.
I didn't realize how long this problem has been going on in my heart and how deep it is. When I began to examine myself, God started flooding me with personal issues I didn't see before. He brought me back to some incidents in the past just to show me what it really was.
As all other expositions from the Lord, it was not fun. I realized that my house has always been a source of pride for me. All the houses I lived in when I was single looked good. I got praised for it. My wanting to do things ‘my way’ was my controlling nature brought about by my past.
I am not saying that I am the only problem. My husband has his own issues. However, this is between me and the Lord. God will have to deal separately with him for his side of the coin.
I finally let go. Who cares if my living room looks more like a man's office than a nicely decorated pad from a magazine? I still have my work area and kitchen anyways. Who cares if I am not going to be praised for my house? Who cares if my husband's stuff is all over the place? It's not as if I will go to hell for it.
One evening recently, my husband decided to rearrange the furniture. I felt sick to my stomach again before even seeing what he did. I ran to the bathroom and cried out to God. That's when He said: Don't sweat the small stuff, Lisa. Don't let that stress you out. It is too petty. I tried to negotiate with God but all He told me was: It's going to be ok. That was the beginning of my self-examination in this area.
I didn't realize how long this problem has been going on in my heart and how deep it is. When I began to examine myself, God started flooding me with personal issues I didn't see before. He brought me back to some incidents in the past just to show me what it really was.
As all other expositions from the Lord, it was not fun. I realized that my house has always been a source of pride for me. All the houses I lived in when I was single looked good. I got praised for it. My wanting to do things ‘my way’ was my controlling nature brought about by my past.
I am not saying that I am the only problem. My husband has his own issues. However, this is between me and the Lord. God will have to deal separately with him for his side of the coin.
I finally let go. Who cares if my living room looks more like a man's office than a nicely decorated pad from a magazine? I still have my work area and kitchen anyways. Who cares if I am not going to be praised for my house? Who cares if my husband's stuff is all over the place? It's not as if I will go to hell for it.
At the end of the day, I'd rather have a husband who feels at home in our house than a husband who would rather hang out in somebody else's. I don’t want him to say to me again what he said to me one time: “I feel like I am your boyfriend living in your house”.
My fellow wives ... you may not have the same issues that I have. Yet I know that there may be something that you are “sweating about”. You may have some small stuff that has grown big like what happened to mine. Let go of it before it ruins you and your marriage.
Let me end this article by quoting 1 Peter 3:4-6.
But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.
For it was thus that the pious women of old who hoped in God were [accustomed] to beautify themselves and were submissive to their husbands [adapting themselves to them as themselves secondary and dependent upon them].
It was thus that Sarah obeyed Abraham [following his guidance and acknowledging his headship over her by] calling him lord (master, leader, authority). And you are now her true daughters if you do right and let nothing terrify you [not giving way to hysterical fears or letting anxieties unnerve you].
My fellow wives ... you may not have the same issues that I have. Yet I know that there may be something that you are “sweating about”. You may have some small stuff that has grown big like what happened to mine. Let go of it before it ruins you and your marriage.
Let me end this article by quoting 1 Peter 3:4-6.
But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.
For it was thus that the pious women of old who hoped in God were [accustomed] to beautify themselves and were submissive to their husbands [adapting themselves to them as themselves secondary and dependent upon them].
It was thus that Sarah obeyed Abraham [following his guidance and acknowledging his headship over her by] calling him lord (master, leader, authority). And you are now her true daughters if you do right and let nothing terrify you [not giving way to hysterical fears or letting anxieties unnerve you].
Lisa Maki is the founder/editor of God'z Gurlz, a Bible-based online magazine for women. She and her husband Jason are part of the growing movement of Christians who are discovering their Hebrew roots, and who are studying the Torah and its parallelisms to the New Testament. Lisa is likewise a Professional Writer with over 15 years of experience in the field. Jason and Lisa are part of El Shaddai Ministries, a First Century Believers Church headed by Pastor Mark Biltz.
