HOW LONG SHOULD I FIGHT FOR MY MARRIAGE?
~ LISA MAKI ~
This is one of the most common question I’ve gotten from women I counsel or those who come to me for answers. It is indeed a tough situation, more so for a woman whose husband left her for another woman, or for a woman whose husband already made up his mind to file for divorce. It even becomes more difficult when there are little children involved.
If you are in this situation, I want you to understand something: you are in an emotional haywire that makes it hard for you to think logically. Your heart is the one dictating things to you for now, because it is the one badly affected.
I want you, even for this short time of reading this article, to get out of that emotion, and let your brain do the thinking and listening. Drop any hurt, irritation, anger, confusion, fear, or whatever negative emotions you have for your husband and your situation.
If you are in this situation, I want you to understand something: you are in an emotional haywire that makes it hard for you to think logically. Your heart is the one dictating things to you for now, because it is the one badly affected.
I want you, even for this short time of reading this article, to get out of that emotion, and let your brain do the thinking and listening. Drop any hurt, irritation, anger, confusion, fear, or whatever negative emotions you have for your husband and your situation.
Let us focus on your “self” now and look at yourself as if you are another person looking at “you”.
While doing this exercise, each time you feel something bad against your husband and marriage, drop it quickly and refocus on yourself. This is about you, and not about someone else. And no matter how painful this exercise can get, focus on “you”. Do not point to others, or what others will say. This is about “you”.
Ask yourself these questions, one at a time. Do not proceed to the next until you have answered the one prior to that.
Ask yourself these questions, one at a time. Do not proceed to the next until you have answered the one prior to that.
- What do I really feel about my marriage?
- Is this marriage worth saving? (Just yes or no)
- What am I scared about when it comes to losing my marriage?
- If my husband does not change but decides to stay with me, will I settle with that?
- What is the best thing that can happen to me if my marriage fails?
Your honest answers to these questions reveal what is really in your heart. These are the issues that God wants to expose and deal with, so you can be free.
God loves you and will do anything to bring you to Him or back to Him. Most wives, including myself, have placed their marriage and husbands above God, without even realizing it. In fact, our fear of having a failed marriage is most of the time related to this idolatry that has taken place. It is hard to admit, but it is true.
“So, are you trying to say that God caused my marriage to be this way?”, you may ask me. My answer is, “yes” and “no”. Yes, because God permits certain things for our own good, to achieve His greater purpose, which we will never see while we are going through trials. No, because there are certain consequences of wrong choices and decisions we’ve made, and even of sin, that God can’t stop. It is a law of sowing and reaping. For instance, getting married to an unbeliever when the Bible tells us “not to be equally yoked with unbelievers”, is disobedience to God, and therefore a sin. The consequences to this is something God can’t stop. However, He will use the consequence to build your character, stretch your faith, and bring you closer to Him.
“So, are you trying to say that God caused my marriage to be this way?”, you may ask me. My answer is, “yes” and “no”. Yes, because God permits certain things for our own good, to achieve His greater purpose, which we will never see while we are going through trials. No, because there are certain consequences of wrong choices and decisions we’ve made, and even of sin, that God can’t stop. It is a law of sowing and reaping. For instance, getting married to an unbeliever when the Bible tells us “not to be equally yoked with unbelievers”, is disobedience to God, and therefore a sin. The consequences to this is something God can’t stop. However, He will use the consequence to build your character, stretch your faith, and bring you closer to Him.
The mere fact that you are asking that question, “how long should I fight for my marriage” means that you are all worked up. You are restless. You are not seeing answers and you are wondering if you should pray more, fast more, or worship more. The answer is not in your “works” but in your sincere heart for God.
Are you praying to get your marriage back, or are you praying because you love the Lord? These are two different motives. Are you praying for your husband to change, for your sake; or are you praying that your husband experiences the love of God, so he too can be brought to that place in His presence that will make you ask for nothing more?
Are you praying to get your marriage back, or are you praying because you love the Lord? These are two different motives. Are you praying for your husband to change, for your sake; or are you praying that your husband experiences the love of God, so he too can be brought to that place in His presence that will make you ask for nothing more?
What about drop yourself or your marriage when praying? What about pray to simply minister to the Lord? What about drop all your concerns about your marriage when praying? What about simply thank and worship God, with no mention of any problems you have? Is that hard to do?
When you begin to go back to that place of worship, when it is all about Him, when it is all about JESUS CHRIST, then you will be surprised at the outcome you will have. All of a sudden you are not scared anymore. Suddenly, you don’t care anymore what happens to your marriage. Suddenly, your prayers for your husband changes.
You will not be asking anymore, “How long should I pray for my husband and my marriage?” Instead, you will look forward to and crave for your time alone with Jesus Christ, your real husband. You will long to be in His presence. You will desire to spend more time with Him.
When you begin to go back to that place of worship, when it is all about Him, when it is all about JESUS CHRIST, then you will be surprised at the outcome you will have. All of a sudden you are not scared anymore. Suddenly, you don’t care anymore what happens to your marriage. Suddenly, your prayers for your husband changes.
You will not be asking anymore, “How long should I pray for my husband and my marriage?” Instead, you will look forward to and crave for your time alone with Jesus Christ, your real husband. You will long to be in His presence. You will desire to spend more time with Him.
His love will begin to overwhelm you, healing you, delivering you. This love will overflow from you, making your husband marvel at what is going on with you. This love will make you love your husband with the love of Jesus, and not with your own love that can be mired with your own issues. This love will lead your husband to Jesus.
And when this begins to happen, things will line up in your marriage effortlessly. You will not even be amazed at your husband, but with God Himself.
And when this begins to happen, things will line up in your marriage effortlessly. You will not even be amazed at your husband, but with God Himself.
I ask you, my fellow Christian wives, to go back to your first love, Jesus Christ. Set aside a time with Him every single day. Make it a regular schedule, a date with Jesus. Stick to the same schedule each day, if you can. This will make you develop the habit. Find a special corner or place in your home where you can be alone with Him, even if it is just a chair. Decorate your spot and make it inviting for you to come to each day. Start your time with Him with some worship music. Instrumental worship music helps me a lot. Thank Him. Worship Him. Then ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you. Open your Bible and let the Holy Spirit lead you and speak to you.
The lover of your soul is waiting for you. Do not let Him wait too long.
