HOW TO DEAL WITH A CONTROLLING HUSBAND
March 2013
by Lisa Maki
So you are married to a man who wants you around at his beck and call. He orders you like you are some soldier who needs to follow his commanding officer. He wants to mold you into who he wants you to be. He expects you to do things the way he wants it and freaks out if you don’t. These are just some of the signs of knowing that you have a controlling husband.
So what do you do if you have a husband like this?
First of all, know and understand that there are deeper issues behind your husband’s controlling nature. He may not even be aware of it. It is your role as a wife to investigate further so you can pray specifically about your husband’s issues.
How do you investigate?
You will get almost all your information simply by observing your husband and his family. If his father is controlling, then you know why your husband is the way he is. It is basically his orientation of how a husband should be.
You can also get your information by listening to your husband when he expresses himself to you. This normally happens when he is angry. He expresses things about his past that can give you endless clues as to why he is the way he is. He may have been hurt in the past and his controlling nature became his defense mechanism. He may have been abandoned by his mother and he blames it on his dad who didn’t assert his authority over her. There are countless reasons that you may discover.
So what do you do if you have a husband like this?
First of all, know and understand that there are deeper issues behind your husband’s controlling nature. He may not even be aware of it. It is your role as a wife to investigate further so you can pray specifically about your husband’s issues.
How do you investigate?
You will get almost all your information simply by observing your husband and his family. If his father is controlling, then you know why your husband is the way he is. It is basically his orientation of how a husband should be.
You can also get your information by listening to your husband when he expresses himself to you. This normally happens when he is angry. He expresses things about his past that can give you endless clues as to why he is the way he is. He may have been hurt in the past and his controlling nature became his defense mechanism. He may have been abandoned by his mother and he blames it on his dad who didn’t assert his authority over her. There are countless reasons that you may discover.
The key here is to be sensitive to your husband’s deeper issues. Don’t just label him as a “controlling” husband. Better yet, recognize him as a hurting individual, no different from everyone else.
If you are married to a controlling husband, the last thing you should do is defy him or tell him things like: “You can’t control me” ... “I will not submit to you because you are not doing what God wants” ... “You can’t tell me what to do” ... “I’m leaving you” ... “I can’t stand you”. This will just feed his controlling nature and he will end up wanting to control you all the more. Remember that the issue of control has a lot to do with the fear of losing it. So stop using threatening words. Instead, follow what the Bible says in Proverbs 31:12: “She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her”.
I know how difficult it is to comfort a controlling husband. I should know because I “was” married to one. I say “was” because he is not the kind of man he used to be. Let me share with you a real story that happened during the 2nd year of our marriage.
We were arguing about something and I lost my patience. I told him that I was done with him. He turned into a raging bull, got my car keys and my cell phone and told me that I am not going anywhere. I fought back and told him that he can’t control me. I threatened to leave him and he threatened to lock me up in the house. I even threatened to call the cops on him. The more I fought back, the more controlling he got. He kept saying ... “You’re a traitor. You will leave me just as they did”.
I remember how scared I got that night. It brought me back to my past ... when I was 12 years old. I was all dressed to leave for my friend’s birthday party. When my Dad saw me he asked me where I was going, and I said, “Don’t you remember? It’s Lee’s party tonight and you said I could go”. My Dad looked at me and said, “You are not going anywhere”. He left me crying and kicking on the floor. That same feeling of entrapment was the same feeling I had that night.
But then I saw something else. Actually, God showed it to me. I saw my husband as a teenager being abandoned by his parents. Yes, my husband’s own parents gave up on him after he turned very rebellious at the age of 16. They turned him over to a foster home and they moved to a place far away from him. He eventually ended up with his grandmother.
Do you hear what I am saying here? There were two kids in that house that night: a 12 year old girl who felt trapped and a 16 year old boy who felt abandoned. Both of them needed healing.
I know how difficult it is to comfort a controlling husband. I should know because I “was” married to one. I say “was” because he is not the kind of man he used to be. Let me share with you a real story that happened during the 2nd year of our marriage.
We were arguing about something and I lost my patience. I told him that I was done with him. He turned into a raging bull, got my car keys and my cell phone and told me that I am not going anywhere. I fought back and told him that he can’t control me. I threatened to leave him and he threatened to lock me up in the house. I even threatened to call the cops on him. The more I fought back, the more controlling he got. He kept saying ... “You’re a traitor. You will leave me just as they did”.
I remember how scared I got that night. It brought me back to my past ... when I was 12 years old. I was all dressed to leave for my friend’s birthday party. When my Dad saw me he asked me where I was going, and I said, “Don’t you remember? It’s Lee’s party tonight and you said I could go”. My Dad looked at me and said, “You are not going anywhere”. He left me crying and kicking on the floor. That same feeling of entrapment was the same feeling I had that night.
But then I saw something else. Actually, God showed it to me. I saw my husband as a teenager being abandoned by his parents. Yes, my husband’s own parents gave up on him after he turned very rebellious at the age of 16. They turned him over to a foster home and they moved to a place far away from him. He eventually ended up with his grandmother.
Do you hear what I am saying here? There were two kids in that house that night: a 12 year old girl who felt trapped and a 16 year old boy who felt abandoned. Both of them needed healing.
The issue of control is deeper than what you think it is, not just for your husband but for you. God is using whatever you are going through to bring healing to both of you. And since you are the one reading this right now, the change has to begin in you.
First, as I’ve mentioned earlier, investigate and find out what the deeper issues of his control is. Simultaneously, better find out too what your own issues are.
Second, bring all these issues before God, in prayer, and ask Him to heal you and your husband.
Third, control yourself from aggravating your husband by speaking encouraging words to him. You will need the grace of God to do this because I know how difficult it can get.
Fourth, don’t wait for him to tell you what to do. Do the things that he expects of you. Ask him what he wants.
Fifth, follow his instructions, unless they are against the Word of God. Some of the things that are against the Word are anything illegal, and pornography or any sexually immoral act. If he tells you to dress more modestly, then do it. This is God’s instruction anyway. If he tells you not to go to church, that’s okay. Don’t defy him. You can always pray and read your Bible at home. If he stops you from praying, you can still pray quietly. He won’t be able to see that. If he tells you to stop your ministry, then obey him.
I am not saying that you should just be a “yes” person and not have your own opinions and rights. What I am encouraging you to do will actually heap burning coals of fire on his head. If you continue being the godly wife that God created you to be ... submissive, respectful, encouraging, comforting, loving, with a quiet spirit ... then these characteristics and actions will be more than enough to rebuke him and facilitate his healing.
Sixth, follow all of God’s instructions for wives that I already mentioned above ... submissiveness, respectfulness, quiet spirit, etc. Do your own research. Read the other articles on our Marriage and Relationship section about being the wife that God created you to be.
Seventh, keep releasing positive words into the atmosphere. Say: “I have a loving husband” ... “My husband has self-control” ... “My husband is patient” ... “My husband is considerate”. You can even speak words directly to him such as: “I thank you for being a loving husband”. Just be sure that you are not making things up. Focus on his strengths and thank him for it.
Eighth, never talk against your husband with anyone, especially not with your mother or women very close to you. God is there to vent out to. If you really need someone to talk to, talk to a strong woman of God who knows exactly what you’re going through, but someone who is not very close to you. The reason for this is those very close to you have the tendency to side with you and not see the other side or the deeper issues involved. Another reason is when you speak negative things about your husband, no matter how true it is, you are releasing negative words. Don’t forget that death and life are in the power of the tongue. Besides, if you talk against your husband, you are actually speaking against yourself too because you are one with him.
I suggest that you discover for yourself what will work best with your husband. Ask God to reveal more to you. Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you. Your marriage is a mission field for you and you have to see this “controlling” issue as something you need to conquer by the power of God. And the only way the full power of God can come through is through your humility. The more you humble yourself, the greater God can work in you, your husband, and your marriage.
Second, bring all these issues before God, in prayer, and ask Him to heal you and your husband.
Third, control yourself from aggravating your husband by speaking encouraging words to him. You will need the grace of God to do this because I know how difficult it can get.
Fourth, don’t wait for him to tell you what to do. Do the things that he expects of you. Ask him what he wants.
Fifth, follow his instructions, unless they are against the Word of God. Some of the things that are against the Word are anything illegal, and pornography or any sexually immoral act. If he tells you to dress more modestly, then do it. This is God’s instruction anyway. If he tells you not to go to church, that’s okay. Don’t defy him. You can always pray and read your Bible at home. If he stops you from praying, you can still pray quietly. He won’t be able to see that. If he tells you to stop your ministry, then obey him.
I am not saying that you should just be a “yes” person and not have your own opinions and rights. What I am encouraging you to do will actually heap burning coals of fire on his head. If you continue being the godly wife that God created you to be ... submissive, respectful, encouraging, comforting, loving, with a quiet spirit ... then these characteristics and actions will be more than enough to rebuke him and facilitate his healing.
Sixth, follow all of God’s instructions for wives that I already mentioned above ... submissiveness, respectfulness, quiet spirit, etc. Do your own research. Read the other articles on our Marriage and Relationship section about being the wife that God created you to be.
Seventh, keep releasing positive words into the atmosphere. Say: “I have a loving husband” ... “My husband has self-control” ... “My husband is patient” ... “My husband is considerate”. You can even speak words directly to him such as: “I thank you for being a loving husband”. Just be sure that you are not making things up. Focus on his strengths and thank him for it.
Eighth, never talk against your husband with anyone, especially not with your mother or women very close to you. God is there to vent out to. If you really need someone to talk to, talk to a strong woman of God who knows exactly what you’re going through, but someone who is not very close to you. The reason for this is those very close to you have the tendency to side with you and not see the other side or the deeper issues involved. Another reason is when you speak negative things about your husband, no matter how true it is, you are releasing negative words. Don’t forget that death and life are in the power of the tongue. Besides, if you talk against your husband, you are actually speaking against yourself too because you are one with him.
I suggest that you discover for yourself what will work best with your husband. Ask God to reveal more to you. Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you. Your marriage is a mission field for you and you have to see this “controlling” issue as something you need to conquer by the power of God. And the only way the full power of God can come through is through your humility. The more you humble yourself, the greater God can work in you, your husband, and your marriage.
Lisa Maki is the founder, publisher, and editor of God'z Gurlz. More about Lisa at ...
http://www.godzgurlz.com/regular-contributors.html
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