I FEEL SO DISTANT
He smiled at me. I tried to smile back but it was hard to fake it. I didn’t even want to look at him. I kept looking away. How can he just forget about what happened? How can he be so insensitive to what I feel? How can he just say those things to me and act like nothing happened?
Thoughts and images of what happened that morning kept playing in my mind. I tried to brush it off but it kept coming back. He attempted to pull me close to him to kiss me but I was as cold as ice. I felt bad for him but I couldn’t help it.
He went back to his computer and I felt worse than ever. I wanted him to pursue me more. I wanted him to know how much he has hurt me. I wanted to go to him and hug him but something was stopping me.
Can you relate to me? Have you been in this situation? For sure you have been, and for sure it has happened several times and even continues to happen until now. This is who we are as women and as wives. When we get hurt we detach. It is our way of expressing our frustration and making a statement. We are not switches that can be turned on and off. When we get hurt, we need some time to get back to feeling good again.
Reality is ... our husbands don’t get it and they never will. They don’t have time to play our games. They don’t have the sensitivity to feel what we feel. They will move on even when we want to linger in our emotions.
It took me some time before I finally understood this, let alone accept it. It took sleepless nights and heated arguments before I finally got it.
Our hurts may be valid. Our husbands may be in the wrong. Yet, most of the time, the hurts that we feel are the result of lies that the devil has planted in our thoughts. I may feel hurt over my husband’s rudeness towards me without realizing that he was going through some internal struggles himself. I may feel that my husband is blaming me without realizing that he is actually frustrated with himself.
One thing we have to understand and something that I have to constantly remind myself is that men were not designed to cope with emotional problems like we do. In fact, most suicide victims are men, simply because they have weaker coping mechanisms to emotional problems. Women can talk about their problems and they will start feeling better. Men don’t talk about their inner problems and issues. And when they do talk about it with their wives, they can’t even express it the way it really is. They come out in the form of anger, rudeness, and even detachment.
More than all these, what I want to remind you is that we have an enemy out there ... an enemy who hates marriages ... an enemy who will do everything to destroy marriages. And just as he did to Eve, he will attack you first. He will play with your emotions, which he is very good at. He will use on you the same tactic that he used on Eve. He will whisper in your ear ... “Could it be that???” You will hear it over and over again. His motive is for you to feel hurt so that you will detach yourself from your husband. Then he can attack your husband and your marriage. As I wrote in my previous article, his scheme is always to “divide” and then “conquer”.
Tell me ... if you have hurt feelings towards your husband; is it easy to make love to him? Not at all! As a matter of fact, you don’t even feel like being close to him. Am I right? And you and I know very well how important sex is to our spouses. This is why the devil will try to take that sex away from your husband by attacking your emotions. Paul himself validated this by saying in 1 Corinthians 7:5 ...
Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.
The devil knows fully well how women can linger in their emotions. It is so natural for us. We can just think of a hurt feeling and instantly we can remain there for hours, days, weeks, months, and even years. Do you think that women with depression just acquired it for a day? Of course not! They have entertained their hurts for so long. This can easily happen to any of us. If we don’t brush off these hurt feelings quickly, it will stick to us like glue and find its permanent place in our hearts and minds.
God gave me no choice but to learn to release my hurtful feelings to Him as quickly as I could. He gave me only two choices: to remain in that hurt or to have sleepless nights. I chose to release my hurts to Him. It didn’t happen overnight though. It took crazy nights of wanting to fall asleep only to realize that it was already 4 in the morning. It took heated arguments, which of course added to the hurts and growing resentment. It was a process, and honestly, some days I’m better, while some days I have to ask more of God’s grace and strength.
My advice to you is this: If you feel hurt or have any feeling of resentment towards your husband, bring it before God right away. Cry it out to Him and leave it with Him. Don’t keep it within you or it will turn into bitterness later on. I don’t suggest talking to other friends about this, unless they are very strong women of God who will lead you to the right path instead of just wallowing in your misery. Then release forgiveness.
The devil for sure will make you remember the hurtful words said. He will play it over and over in your mind. When he does this, say: I have already released forgiveness. Hallelujah!!! Meditate on a Scripture that will keep your mind focused on Jesus and not on what the enemy is deceiving you with. Two Scriptures that surely help me are: The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10) and In His presence if fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11).
Another advice I will give you is: Remain in a joyful state because as the Scripture above says, God’s joy is your strength. The devil will steal that joy so you will be weak. Protect that joy. And the secret to having that joy is to have an attitude of gratitude. In the midst of your hurts, thank God for your marriage ... for your husband ... for having someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Think of all the good things about your husband and thank God for it. Thank God even for the not so good things because if not for that, you won’t even be where you are. Thank Him for your trials that stretch your faith and make you stronger. Thank Him for being there for you at all times. Thank Him for your salvation. Thank Him for the privilege of communing with Him. Keep thanking Him. Then you will be lifted up from your situation and you will have peace.
Finally, I want you to meditate on these Scriptures below.
Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice! ... Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. And God’s peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorableand seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. (Philippians 4:4, 6-8)
~Lisa Maki~
Thoughts and images of what happened that morning kept playing in my mind. I tried to brush it off but it kept coming back. He attempted to pull me close to him to kiss me but I was as cold as ice. I felt bad for him but I couldn’t help it.
He went back to his computer and I felt worse than ever. I wanted him to pursue me more. I wanted him to know how much he has hurt me. I wanted to go to him and hug him but something was stopping me.
Can you relate to me? Have you been in this situation? For sure you have been, and for sure it has happened several times and even continues to happen until now. This is who we are as women and as wives. When we get hurt we detach. It is our way of expressing our frustration and making a statement. We are not switches that can be turned on and off. When we get hurt, we need some time to get back to feeling good again.
Reality is ... our husbands don’t get it and they never will. They don’t have time to play our games. They don’t have the sensitivity to feel what we feel. They will move on even when we want to linger in our emotions.
It took me some time before I finally understood this, let alone accept it. It took sleepless nights and heated arguments before I finally got it.
Our hurts may be valid. Our husbands may be in the wrong. Yet, most of the time, the hurts that we feel are the result of lies that the devil has planted in our thoughts. I may feel hurt over my husband’s rudeness towards me without realizing that he was going through some internal struggles himself. I may feel that my husband is blaming me without realizing that he is actually frustrated with himself.
One thing we have to understand and something that I have to constantly remind myself is that men were not designed to cope with emotional problems like we do. In fact, most suicide victims are men, simply because they have weaker coping mechanisms to emotional problems. Women can talk about their problems and they will start feeling better. Men don’t talk about their inner problems and issues. And when they do talk about it with their wives, they can’t even express it the way it really is. They come out in the form of anger, rudeness, and even detachment.
More than all these, what I want to remind you is that we have an enemy out there ... an enemy who hates marriages ... an enemy who will do everything to destroy marriages. And just as he did to Eve, he will attack you first. He will play with your emotions, which he is very good at. He will use on you the same tactic that he used on Eve. He will whisper in your ear ... “Could it be that???” You will hear it over and over again. His motive is for you to feel hurt so that you will detach yourself from your husband. Then he can attack your husband and your marriage. As I wrote in my previous article, his scheme is always to “divide” and then “conquer”.
Tell me ... if you have hurt feelings towards your husband; is it easy to make love to him? Not at all! As a matter of fact, you don’t even feel like being close to him. Am I right? And you and I know very well how important sex is to our spouses. This is why the devil will try to take that sex away from your husband by attacking your emotions. Paul himself validated this by saying in 1 Corinthians 7:5 ...
Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.
The devil knows fully well how women can linger in their emotions. It is so natural for us. We can just think of a hurt feeling and instantly we can remain there for hours, days, weeks, months, and even years. Do you think that women with depression just acquired it for a day? Of course not! They have entertained their hurts for so long. This can easily happen to any of us. If we don’t brush off these hurt feelings quickly, it will stick to us like glue and find its permanent place in our hearts and minds.
God gave me no choice but to learn to release my hurtful feelings to Him as quickly as I could. He gave me only two choices: to remain in that hurt or to have sleepless nights. I chose to release my hurts to Him. It didn’t happen overnight though. It took crazy nights of wanting to fall asleep only to realize that it was already 4 in the morning. It took heated arguments, which of course added to the hurts and growing resentment. It was a process, and honestly, some days I’m better, while some days I have to ask more of God’s grace and strength.
My advice to you is this: If you feel hurt or have any feeling of resentment towards your husband, bring it before God right away. Cry it out to Him and leave it with Him. Don’t keep it within you or it will turn into bitterness later on. I don’t suggest talking to other friends about this, unless they are very strong women of God who will lead you to the right path instead of just wallowing in your misery. Then release forgiveness.
The devil for sure will make you remember the hurtful words said. He will play it over and over in your mind. When he does this, say: I have already released forgiveness. Hallelujah!!! Meditate on a Scripture that will keep your mind focused on Jesus and not on what the enemy is deceiving you with. Two Scriptures that surely help me are: The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10) and In His presence if fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11).
Another advice I will give you is: Remain in a joyful state because as the Scripture above says, God’s joy is your strength. The devil will steal that joy so you will be weak. Protect that joy. And the secret to having that joy is to have an attitude of gratitude. In the midst of your hurts, thank God for your marriage ... for your husband ... for having someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Think of all the good things about your husband and thank God for it. Thank God even for the not so good things because if not for that, you won’t even be where you are. Thank Him for your trials that stretch your faith and make you stronger. Thank Him for being there for you at all times. Thank Him for your salvation. Thank Him for the privilege of communing with Him. Keep thanking Him. Then you will be lifted up from your situation and you will have peace.
Finally, I want you to meditate on these Scriptures below.
Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice! ... Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. And God’s peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorableand seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. (Philippians 4:4, 6-8)
~Lisa Maki~
