I HATE MY MOM/DAD
DECEMBER 2012
by Lisa Maki
“I just hate my Dad”. “I just hate my Mom”. How many times have I heard teenagers say this? How many times did I also say this when I was a teen? It seems like teens will never run out of reasons on why they don’t like their parents. Some reasons are very valid; others are just lame.
I met this 14 year old girl a few years ago and told her that I can be a sister or even a mom for her. She trusted me and began sharing her frustrations with her mom with me. She said the same thing ... “I hate my mom”. And when I asked why, she said that her mom, who is in her thirty’s, is flirting with all her guy friends. I would definitely hate my mom for that reason as well, if I had a mom like that. This is the valid reason that I am talking about.
Another 14 year old girl who was put by her mom in rehab told me she hates her mom because she is accusing her of using drugs when she’s not. I knew she was on drugs and she really has to be in rehab. So her hate towards her mom was lame for me.
If you are having some hate feelings towards your parents, and your reason is valid, I totally understand you. However, you should be careful that what you feel towards them will not destroy you. This is the very essence of the 5th commandment about honoring our parents. Exodus 20:12 says: Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Do you realize that this commandment is more for you than for your parents? It says “honor your father and mother that you may live long” ... that YOU may live long and not that your parents may live long.
So what does honoring parents have anything to do with having a long life?
Before I answer this question, let me address another question first. Is it alright to have feelings of hate towards your own parents?
It is normal to feel bad against your parents, more so if they are in the wrong. Some parents are the ones who provoke and influence their children to do bad things. I’ve met several people whose parents were the ones who introduced them to drugs. My husband’s Dad provoked him to rebel. My own Dad did the same thing to me.
Ephesians 6:4 says: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
See that? Our Dads are instructed by God not to provoke us but to bring us up in the Lord. For this to even happen, the father has to be submitted and surrendered to Jesus and His Word. My Dad was not. My husband’s Dad was not either. And your Dad may be the same. If they are not surrendered to Jesus, they will surely make their children rebel against them.
Does this justify our rebellion then? Of course not! However, it explains why we develop feelings of hate towards our parents. And if these feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness, and hate are not resolved and dealt with, we will be carrying all these feelings with us until we die, affecting not only us but the people around us. In fact, this may be the reason why our parents are the way they are ... they have deep seated issues towards their own parents and we are the poor victims who take the blow for it.
This brings me to my question earlier ... What does honoring parents have anything to do with having a long life?
Our hate feelings towards our parents can take root in us, producing fruits of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. All these feelings can ruin us. They can give us stress, heart problems, mental problems, anxiety, depression, etc. Any of these conditions can surely shorten our life span.
God instructed us to forgive, not for the sake of the person who have hurt us, but for our own sake. Releasing forgiveness is also releasing the person’s control over us.
I have struggled with feelings of hate towards my Dad for years. I blamed him for everything that happened to me. He treated me like a prisoner and didn’t express his love for me. I could barely get out of the house unless I was going with them or going to school. This unreasonable strictness plus my deep hunger for love led me to rebel against him. My rebellion opened doors for molestation, early pregnancy, a miserable marriage I didn’t want, etc. I carried these deep-seated hurt feelings with me for a long, long time, that even after I was independent from my Dad, I still felt his control over me. It was only after I surrendered my life to Jesus that I learned to release forgiveness for him. That was the beginning of my healing process.
So what does honoring parents really mean? Does this mean letting them do whatever they want and just submitting to them? Does it mean allowing them to hurt you? Not at all!
To honor our parents means to recognize that God used them to bring us into this world. This in itself will make us look at them in a different light. Of course there are some people who wish that they haven’t been born.
To honor our parents means to be thankful that they didn’t stop our being born. Your mom could have chosen to abort you but she didn’t. Thus, maintaining a thankful attitude regarding this is honoring them.
To honor our parents also means understanding where they are coming from. It surely helped me when I started to understand my Dad’s upbringing – the pains he has been through, how his parents treated him, how he felt so alone growing up.
I know how difficult it is to deal with parents who are in the wrong, such as those doing drugs and influencing their children to do so, those who are alcoholics, those who have anger flashes, and those who sexually abuse their children. If your Dad is sexually abusing you, seek for help immediately and get out of your house. This is not something you should tolerate.
If your own Dad has sexually abused you in the past, honoring him means being civil and kind in your dealings with him. It means forgiving him. It does not mean trusting him and placing yourself in harm’s way.
If your parents are on drugs, alcohol, or have anger issues, you are still required by God to honor them by being thankful for the life they gave you, praying for them, and extending love to them. All these, however, can be done from a distance, as this may be the best and only way for you to even be able to honor them. However, if you are still young and dependent on your parents and you don’t have a place to go, then I suggest that you focus on your studies and strive to get good grades so you will have greater chances for your future. Actually, this is one big problem I’ve seen in teens, and which I have been through as well.
Teenagers want to get away from their parents and so they start rebelling against them, only to get more stuck with them. My rebellion led to my pregnancy and I had to stay with my parents for years. The very place I was trying to escape from kept me trapped. So if you want to leave your parents’ house and be independent of them, then be wiser in your decisions. Do well in school; get a good job; save money; and leave. Then you can honor them from a distance, which as I’ve said, may be the best way for you to maintain respect for them.
So the next time you feel some hate towards your Mom or Dad, or even both, assess your situation first. Are your reasons valid or lame? If your parents are real Christians and totally submitted to God and His Word, then they are simply doing to you what God has instructed them to do. Don’t hate them for that. If things get difficult, cry it out to God and He will show you the way.
Finally, let your hurt feelings or whatever negative feelings you have towards your parents lead you closer to your real parent, God Himself. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
If you need more advice in this area, feel free to email me at godzgurlz@live.com.
I met this 14 year old girl a few years ago and told her that I can be a sister or even a mom for her. She trusted me and began sharing her frustrations with her mom with me. She said the same thing ... “I hate my mom”. And when I asked why, she said that her mom, who is in her thirty’s, is flirting with all her guy friends. I would definitely hate my mom for that reason as well, if I had a mom like that. This is the valid reason that I am talking about.
Another 14 year old girl who was put by her mom in rehab told me she hates her mom because she is accusing her of using drugs when she’s not. I knew she was on drugs and she really has to be in rehab. So her hate towards her mom was lame for me.
If you are having some hate feelings towards your parents, and your reason is valid, I totally understand you. However, you should be careful that what you feel towards them will not destroy you. This is the very essence of the 5th commandment about honoring our parents. Exodus 20:12 says: Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Do you realize that this commandment is more for you than for your parents? It says “honor your father and mother that you may live long” ... that YOU may live long and not that your parents may live long.
So what does honoring parents have anything to do with having a long life?
Before I answer this question, let me address another question first. Is it alright to have feelings of hate towards your own parents?
It is normal to feel bad against your parents, more so if they are in the wrong. Some parents are the ones who provoke and influence their children to do bad things. I’ve met several people whose parents were the ones who introduced them to drugs. My husband’s Dad provoked him to rebel. My own Dad did the same thing to me.
Ephesians 6:4 says: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
See that? Our Dads are instructed by God not to provoke us but to bring us up in the Lord. For this to even happen, the father has to be submitted and surrendered to Jesus and His Word. My Dad was not. My husband’s Dad was not either. And your Dad may be the same. If they are not surrendered to Jesus, they will surely make their children rebel against them.
Does this justify our rebellion then? Of course not! However, it explains why we develop feelings of hate towards our parents. And if these feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness, and hate are not resolved and dealt with, we will be carrying all these feelings with us until we die, affecting not only us but the people around us. In fact, this may be the reason why our parents are the way they are ... they have deep seated issues towards their own parents and we are the poor victims who take the blow for it.
This brings me to my question earlier ... What does honoring parents have anything to do with having a long life?
Our hate feelings towards our parents can take root in us, producing fruits of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. All these feelings can ruin us. They can give us stress, heart problems, mental problems, anxiety, depression, etc. Any of these conditions can surely shorten our life span.
God instructed us to forgive, not for the sake of the person who have hurt us, but for our own sake. Releasing forgiveness is also releasing the person’s control over us.
I have struggled with feelings of hate towards my Dad for years. I blamed him for everything that happened to me. He treated me like a prisoner and didn’t express his love for me. I could barely get out of the house unless I was going with them or going to school. This unreasonable strictness plus my deep hunger for love led me to rebel against him. My rebellion opened doors for molestation, early pregnancy, a miserable marriage I didn’t want, etc. I carried these deep-seated hurt feelings with me for a long, long time, that even after I was independent from my Dad, I still felt his control over me. It was only after I surrendered my life to Jesus that I learned to release forgiveness for him. That was the beginning of my healing process.
So what does honoring parents really mean? Does this mean letting them do whatever they want and just submitting to them? Does it mean allowing them to hurt you? Not at all!
To honor our parents means to recognize that God used them to bring us into this world. This in itself will make us look at them in a different light. Of course there are some people who wish that they haven’t been born.
To honor our parents means to be thankful that they didn’t stop our being born. Your mom could have chosen to abort you but she didn’t. Thus, maintaining a thankful attitude regarding this is honoring them.
To honor our parents also means understanding where they are coming from. It surely helped me when I started to understand my Dad’s upbringing – the pains he has been through, how his parents treated him, how he felt so alone growing up.
I know how difficult it is to deal with parents who are in the wrong, such as those doing drugs and influencing their children to do so, those who are alcoholics, those who have anger flashes, and those who sexually abuse their children. If your Dad is sexually abusing you, seek for help immediately and get out of your house. This is not something you should tolerate.
If your own Dad has sexually abused you in the past, honoring him means being civil and kind in your dealings with him. It means forgiving him. It does not mean trusting him and placing yourself in harm’s way.
If your parents are on drugs, alcohol, or have anger issues, you are still required by God to honor them by being thankful for the life they gave you, praying for them, and extending love to them. All these, however, can be done from a distance, as this may be the best and only way for you to even be able to honor them. However, if you are still young and dependent on your parents and you don’t have a place to go, then I suggest that you focus on your studies and strive to get good grades so you will have greater chances for your future. Actually, this is one big problem I’ve seen in teens, and which I have been through as well.
Teenagers want to get away from their parents and so they start rebelling against them, only to get more stuck with them. My rebellion led to my pregnancy and I had to stay with my parents for years. The very place I was trying to escape from kept me trapped. So if you want to leave your parents’ house and be independent of them, then be wiser in your decisions. Do well in school; get a good job; save money; and leave. Then you can honor them from a distance, which as I’ve said, may be the best way for you to maintain respect for them.
So the next time you feel some hate towards your Mom or Dad, or even both, assess your situation first. Are your reasons valid or lame? If your parents are real Christians and totally submitted to God and His Word, then they are simply doing to you what God has instructed them to do. Don’t hate them for that. If things get difficult, cry it out to God and He will show you the way.
Finally, let your hurt feelings or whatever negative feelings you have towards your parents lead you closer to your real parent, God Himself. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
If you need more advice in this area, feel free to email me at godzgurlz@live.com.
Lisa Maki is the founder, publisher, and editor of God'z Gurlz. More about Lisa at ...
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