The Day I Lost My Virginity
August 2012
I was only 14 years old when I lost my virginity. It started with finally agreeing to be the girlfriend of this guy I didn’t even like. It was summer and I thought that having a boyfriend will be fun. Besides, with a very strict Dad, I’d rather have a boyfriend as an outlet.
First was the kiss. Next was the fondling. He gained control over me each time we advanced into the next step. I felt like a robot that just followed what he told me to do. Though I didn’t enjoy what I was doing, I still did it. Stupid as it may sound, I felt obligated to do as he wished. Perhaps it was my yearning for attention. Maybe it was my rebellion against my Dad. Or it can also be his very manipulative ways. Whatever it was, it was something that brought misery into my life, and which brought about so many issues, some of them I am still dealing with until now.
Eventually, the fondling led to actual sex. It was very painful and almost mechanical. I felt numb. There was nothing intimate or even beautiful about it. All I can remember was that I couldn’t walk straight the next day. Despite the negative experience I’ve had, I still thought to myself that this man was going to be my husband, since he was the one I gave my virginity to. That just made me more trapped. The sex continued and it became something that I just had to do.
Losing my virginity at 14 distorted the beauty of sex in my mind, which I carried on with me for a long time. It also resulted to a pregnancy, and then a marriage that I was not ready for. It robbed me off my youth and stole so many opportunities from me. It also led to a miserable marriage that ended up in an annulment, hurting my two children.
Because of my early exposure to sex, my body became very open to it while my mind and emotions remained detached. Sex with emotional intimacy was very strange to me. I saw sex as just a physical act and could not relate any strong emotional feelings to it.
My very early serious involvement did not allow my emotions to mature and be more prepared for the challenges ahead. As I mentioned earlier, the sex became my entrapment, keeping me in bondage to a relationship that was not healthy for me. The cheatings and lies hurt me so bad yet made me feel so helpless about it. One hurt after the other made my heart more callous. Ultimately, the walls around my heart grew so thick and high that nobody could even penetrate it.
My pains also brought about a spirit of vendetta in me … a vengeance not just against my ex-husband but men in general. Sex became a way for me to bait men, with the intention of dumping them.
I didn’t realize how severe my issues were until I found Jesus and surrendered my life to Him. It was then that the healing process began. Slowly, God started exposing my issues to me one by one … issues that were deep seated … issues that traced way back to the day I lost my virginity.
God started revealing to me why He never allowed fornication (sex before marriage) in the first place. He designed sex for marriage, for the husband and the wife to enjoy as a gift from Him and a gift to each other. My virginity was my present to my husband on the day that we make a vow to each other, in marriage. It was meant only for him, not to be given to anyone else, and not to be given before its time.
Though I ended up marrying the man I gave my virginity to, the marriage was not God’s perfect plan for me. It was the result of a pregnancy, which was the result of fornication. No wonder it was doomed to fail from day one.
Praise Jesus for healing, deliverance, and restoration. Though there are still some issues I am dealing with, for the most part I am totally healed and restored. This healing gave way to a new marriage, this time from the Lord, and this time, with my gift for him … a virginity that God restored.
~Lisa Maki~
First was the kiss. Next was the fondling. He gained control over me each time we advanced into the next step. I felt like a robot that just followed what he told me to do. Though I didn’t enjoy what I was doing, I still did it. Stupid as it may sound, I felt obligated to do as he wished. Perhaps it was my yearning for attention. Maybe it was my rebellion against my Dad. Or it can also be his very manipulative ways. Whatever it was, it was something that brought misery into my life, and which brought about so many issues, some of them I am still dealing with until now.
Eventually, the fondling led to actual sex. It was very painful and almost mechanical. I felt numb. There was nothing intimate or even beautiful about it. All I can remember was that I couldn’t walk straight the next day. Despite the negative experience I’ve had, I still thought to myself that this man was going to be my husband, since he was the one I gave my virginity to. That just made me more trapped. The sex continued and it became something that I just had to do.
Losing my virginity at 14 distorted the beauty of sex in my mind, which I carried on with me for a long time. It also resulted to a pregnancy, and then a marriage that I was not ready for. It robbed me off my youth and stole so many opportunities from me. It also led to a miserable marriage that ended up in an annulment, hurting my two children.
Because of my early exposure to sex, my body became very open to it while my mind and emotions remained detached. Sex with emotional intimacy was very strange to me. I saw sex as just a physical act and could not relate any strong emotional feelings to it.
My very early serious involvement did not allow my emotions to mature and be more prepared for the challenges ahead. As I mentioned earlier, the sex became my entrapment, keeping me in bondage to a relationship that was not healthy for me. The cheatings and lies hurt me so bad yet made me feel so helpless about it. One hurt after the other made my heart more callous. Ultimately, the walls around my heart grew so thick and high that nobody could even penetrate it.
My pains also brought about a spirit of vendetta in me … a vengeance not just against my ex-husband but men in general. Sex became a way for me to bait men, with the intention of dumping them.
I didn’t realize how severe my issues were until I found Jesus and surrendered my life to Him. It was then that the healing process began. Slowly, God started exposing my issues to me one by one … issues that were deep seated … issues that traced way back to the day I lost my virginity.
God started revealing to me why He never allowed fornication (sex before marriage) in the first place. He designed sex for marriage, for the husband and the wife to enjoy as a gift from Him and a gift to each other. My virginity was my present to my husband on the day that we make a vow to each other, in marriage. It was meant only for him, not to be given to anyone else, and not to be given before its time.
Though I ended up marrying the man I gave my virginity to, the marriage was not God’s perfect plan for me. It was the result of a pregnancy, which was the result of fornication. No wonder it was doomed to fail from day one.
Praise Jesus for healing, deliverance, and restoration. Though there are still some issues I am dealing with, for the most part I am totally healed and restored. This healing gave way to a new marriage, this time from the Lord, and this time, with my gift for him … a virginity that God restored.
~Lisa Maki~
