to guard or not to guard (my heart)
A sister in the Lord asked me a question that stirred me up to write this article. So, Erika ... God used you for this. As you said, for sure there are other women wanting to know the answer to your question too.
The question is ...
The question is ...
How do you find the balance between guarding our hearts and still being receptive and open as a single woman of God waiting on courtship and marriage?
This was such a profound and realistic question that made me go back to my single life. The only way I can answer this is through my own personal experience, which is always the case.
I had an extremely wounded heart when I got saved. The hurts, neglect, rejection, and betrayal I have been through were buried so deep that I thought they were dead and gone. What I didn't know was that God was just waiting for the most perfect time to heal me.
Jeremiah 4:23 says that we are to guard our hearts for out of it springs the issues of life.
We are to guard our hearts because all our deep seated issues are buried within. This does not mean guarding our hearts from getting hurt. It means guarding our heart from hurting others. Do you see the difference? The first one will cause us to build walls and will make us wary of people and detach from them. This is not the nature of Yahweh or His teaching. On the other hand, the second one will make us cautious of hurting others. It will make us more sensitive to other people's feelings. The first one is focused on the self; the second one is focused on others.
Hurting people hurt people. This is human nature. So if we don't guard our heart, where all our hurts are, we will end up hurting others.
Hurting people hurt people. This is human nature. So if we don't guard our heart, where all our hurts are, we will end up hurting others.
Though we are to guard our heart from external forces, we are to guard it more from internal forces. Remember, “What defiles us is what is inside of us” (Mark 7:20).
Let me give you a clear example here. My hurt issues are deeply rooted to betrayal. My ex-husband cheated on me several times. It pushed me to take revenge and get even with him. It made me a man-hater. It created paranoia in me. It made me allergic to commitment. I brought all these issues with me when I got saved. Some of them got healed faster than the others, some are still with me.
When I married my husband I didn't realize how deep his lust issues were. It triggered my issues of betrayal. The external issue is my husband’s lust; the internal issue is my fear of betrayal. I tried guarding my heart from the external issue by shutting off. There were times when my husband confessed to me his thoughts in repentance, and I got disgusted and made him feel rejected. In my attempt to guard my heart from external forces, I hurt my husband and pushed him away. What I didn't realize then was that by guarding my heart from external forces, I was actually blocking the healing that God was doing.
When I married my husband I didn't realize how deep his lust issues were. It triggered my issues of betrayal. The external issue is my husband’s lust; the internal issue is my fear of betrayal. I tried guarding my heart from the external issue by shutting off. There were times when my husband confessed to me his thoughts in repentance, and I got disgusted and made him feel rejected. In my attempt to guard my heart from external forces, I hurt my husband and pushed him away. What I didn't realize then was that by guarding my heart from external forces, I was actually blocking the healing that God was doing.
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible--and everything that is illuminated becomes a light (Ephesians 5:13).
It is the external forces that God uses as light to expose what is inside of us, so He can heal us. Though it can be painful, it is meant to stir up the rust that has settled at the bottom of the barrel. God wants this rust to resurface so He can take it away more easily.
The thing about our issues is that they are very selfish. They are all about the self -- I don't want to get hurt again ... Nobody is going to hurt me again ... I am not going to allow anyone to hurt me again. It is also full of fears and doubts -- I am scared to get hurt again ... I am scared that he will also hurt me just like my ex did ... I am scared that this is happening again. I can't trust him ... I doubt everything he says ... I doubt that this relationship will even work out.
All these fears, doubts, and focus on the self are hindrances to healing. They actually keep you locked up in the past. They fester on your issues, making it worse.
While you are to guard your internal issues more than the external ones, you still have to be mindful of two things: the vulnerability of the heart, and God’s perfect timing.
The thing about our issues is that they are very selfish. They are all about the self -- I don't want to get hurt again ... Nobody is going to hurt me again ... I am not going to allow anyone to hurt me again. It is also full of fears and doubts -- I am scared to get hurt again ... I am scared that he will also hurt me just like my ex did ... I am scared that this is happening again. I can't trust him ... I doubt everything he says ... I doubt that this relationship will even work out.
All these fears, doubts, and focus on the self are hindrances to healing. They actually keep you locked up in the past. They fester on your issues, making it worse.
While you are to guard your internal issues more than the external ones, you still have to be mindful of two things: the vulnerability of the heart, and God’s perfect timing.
Song of Solomon 2:7 says: Do not awaken love until it pleases.
It is love that will heal our hurts. Yet before the healing takes place, the hurt has to come out first. The external forces are the ones that will cause the hurt. Only a person very close to you has the capacity to hurt you, which means that God will use the person closest to you to hurt and heal you.
There is a perfect timing to this, though. You can’t just expose your heart to any external force at any given time. Only God knows when the most perfect time is. However, you can exercise precaution by using some wisdom.
There is a perfect timing to this, though. You can’t just expose your heart to any external force at any given time. Only God knows when the most perfect time is. However, you can exercise precaution by using some wisdom.
This is why I do not advice dating until you are ready for marriage; otherwise, you will just put yourself in a very compromising situation. Why put yourself in harm’s way if you can avoid it? Why make things more difficult for yourself if it can be easier? Now if you are ready for marriage and you are considering or actually dating, my godly advice is listed below.
Stay within the boundaries of what Scripture allows for a non-married couple.
There is a great consequence for fornication and you would not want to add that to your already wounded heart. As to how far you can go physically without having sex, use your wise judgment. If kissing will just ignite some passions that will make it more difficult for you to say no, then don’t do it. Remember that once you ignite something, it is very difficult to run away from it. One friend of mine who dated for more than two years before she got married told me that they never allowed themselves to be left alone. I was blessed to have a long-distance relationship that saved me from the same kind of temptation that unmarried couples face when dating.
Build a solid friendship founded on Jesus.
This is a very good foundation for marriage. And even if it does not lead to marriage, it is still a good foundation for your future relationships. It keeps “lust” and other ungodly desires out of the picture. Pray ... Read the Word together ... Go to church together ... Do some outreach together. Keep it Jesus.
Take it easy.
You don’t have to rush anything. Don’t make the mistake of opening everything up to each other in a week. Let the Spirit of God move. Just chill and smell the roses. Walk in God’s perfect pace.
Be well-balanced.
I love the Amplified version of 1 Peter 5:8 that says:
Be well balanced, be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.
Spend a considerable time together, without overdoing it. Do not isolate yourselves from other people. That will be a major set-up for the enemy. Talk, go out, and spend time with family and friends, etc.
Get to know each other.
One thing you have to remember is that no matter how you knew each other prior to marriage, there will still be things that you will be shocked about, once you are married. It takes a lifetime to know a person, so don’t try to do it in a few weeks, months, or even years.
One basic thing you have to know about each other is your family background. This will tell almost everything about the person. Be sure, first and foremost, that the person you are dating is not legally bound to anyone. I know a lot of men and women who started dating before they even got divorced. This is going to be very messy.
Be careful not to be judgmental when you are getting to know the person you are dating. Instead, understand where the person is coming from and what his/her issues may be. From here, ask God to show you how you can be used for this person’s healing.
Focus on the other person and not on yourself.
Always think of what you can do for that person – how you can help him/her in this walk, how you can minister to him/her, how you can edify him/her, and how you can lead him/her closer to Jesus.
Dating is over.
Moving too hastily towards marriage is as bad as delaying it. Personally, I believe that dating should not take more than a year. And honestly, if you are ready for marriage, what is the point of delaying it if you believe that you found the right one? If you don’t think that the person is the one, then don’t prolong it. Be honest enough to say that it is not working. Do not drag the person into thinking that there may be a chance if there is none.
Never make money the issue of delaying the marriage. I got married with a budget of $50, and I didn’t care. I just wanted to be married. So girls, stop focusing on the wedding. If you really want to be married, who cares if you don’t have a wedding gown or a fancy cake?
Stay within the boundaries of what Scripture allows for a non-married couple.
There is a great consequence for fornication and you would not want to add that to your already wounded heart. As to how far you can go physically without having sex, use your wise judgment. If kissing will just ignite some passions that will make it more difficult for you to say no, then don’t do it. Remember that once you ignite something, it is very difficult to run away from it. One friend of mine who dated for more than two years before she got married told me that they never allowed themselves to be left alone. I was blessed to have a long-distance relationship that saved me from the same kind of temptation that unmarried couples face when dating.
Build a solid friendship founded on Jesus.
This is a very good foundation for marriage. And even if it does not lead to marriage, it is still a good foundation for your future relationships. It keeps “lust” and other ungodly desires out of the picture. Pray ... Read the Word together ... Go to church together ... Do some outreach together. Keep it Jesus.
Take it easy.
You don’t have to rush anything. Don’t make the mistake of opening everything up to each other in a week. Let the Spirit of God move. Just chill and smell the roses. Walk in God’s perfect pace.
Be well-balanced.
I love the Amplified version of 1 Peter 5:8 that says:
Be well balanced, be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.
Spend a considerable time together, without overdoing it. Do not isolate yourselves from other people. That will be a major set-up for the enemy. Talk, go out, and spend time with family and friends, etc.
Get to know each other.
One thing you have to remember is that no matter how you knew each other prior to marriage, there will still be things that you will be shocked about, once you are married. It takes a lifetime to know a person, so don’t try to do it in a few weeks, months, or even years.
One basic thing you have to know about each other is your family background. This will tell almost everything about the person. Be sure, first and foremost, that the person you are dating is not legally bound to anyone. I know a lot of men and women who started dating before they even got divorced. This is going to be very messy.
Be careful not to be judgmental when you are getting to know the person you are dating. Instead, understand where the person is coming from and what his/her issues may be. From here, ask God to show you how you can be used for this person’s healing.
Focus on the other person and not on yourself.
Always think of what you can do for that person – how you can help him/her in this walk, how you can minister to him/her, how you can edify him/her, and how you can lead him/her closer to Jesus.
Dating is over.
Moving too hastily towards marriage is as bad as delaying it. Personally, I believe that dating should not take more than a year. And honestly, if you are ready for marriage, what is the point of delaying it if you believe that you found the right one? If you don’t think that the person is the one, then don’t prolong it. Be honest enough to say that it is not working. Do not drag the person into thinking that there may be a chance if there is none.
Never make money the issue of delaying the marriage. I got married with a budget of $50, and I didn’t care. I just wanted to be married. So girls, stop focusing on the wedding. If you really want to be married, who cares if you don’t have a wedding gown or a fancy cake?
By following these advices I shared with you, you will be walking in God’s perfect will and plan, and will therefore be blessed. You won’t have those problems of “awakening your issues” before its time. You won’t have to struggle back and forth with “do I guard my heart or do I just let go”?
By the time you get married, your heart will be more prepared to be awakened. That is when the issues will start resurfacing. That is the time when you will learn how to guard your heart from itself, not from your husband's heart. And when that time comes, God willing, I will still be here giving you counsel.
How I wish somebody told me all these when I was single. It would have been an easier journey. And now that you have it and know it, you don’t have any excuse not to do it right.
By the time you get married, your heart will be more prepared to be awakened. That is when the issues will start resurfacing. That is the time when you will learn how to guard your heart from itself, not from your husband's heart. And when that time comes, God willing, I will still be here giving you counsel.
How I wish somebody told me all these when I was single. It would have been an easier journey. And now that you have it and know it, you don’t have any excuse not to do it right.
Lisa Maki is the founder/editor of God'z Gurlz webmag. She has over 10 years of ministry experience including pastoring a women's prison; conduct of Bible-based seminars and Bible studies in corporate offices; preaching engagements in churches, police camps, schools, and other organizations; outreach programs for poor families and children; and pastoring a church. Lisa is also a Professional Writer/Consultant with over 15 years of experience in this field.
