UNDERSTANDING A WOMAN'S INSECURITIES
APRIL 2013
Lisa Maki
This article is meant to make men understand women better. It is also meant to make husbands more effective in ministering to their wives and help facilitate their healing process. This article is also a good tool for women to understand themselves better.
Every woman – no matter how beautiful, smart, rich, gorgeous, mature, and strong she is, has her own sets of insecurities. These insecurities were brought about by several factors which include: how people look at her, how she was raised by her parents, and the kinds of relationships she had. Let me explain these factors one by one to further demonstrate what leads to a woman’s insecurity and how to help her overcome it.
HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT HER
Outer Beauty
A woman’s perception of herself is based on other people’s perceptions of her. She will believe she is beautiful if people are delighted with her; and she will believe the opposite if people reject her. If she was well received by most people for the most part of her life, then chances are she will have a more secure disposition of herself. If she was not well received by most people, then her sense of insecurity will be greater.
The kind of acceptance she receives from others also affects the way she sees herself. If men received her well because of her looks and the way she dressed up, her sense of security will be based more on her physical attributes. This also means that when she is not well received, she will feel like she needs to look better. This is the insecurity problem of a lot of pretty and hot women. Since their sense of security is based on how they look physically, they have a hard time accepting aging. They will also find other beautiful women a threat.
If you are married to this type of woman, the best way to help her heal from her insecurity is to help her see other aspects of her that are even far greater than her physical beauty. Focus on her inner beauty and let her realize that these are the factors that make her beautiful, and that her physical look is just a plus factor. Remind her that God created her the way she is but that God is more concerned with her soul and spirit than with her body. Don’t make the mistake of comparing her with other women, more so when it comes to their physical attributes. Don’t say, “that woman is hot”, or “she is fine”, or any other statements of appreciation for another woman that has something to do with the outer beauty. Other women can handle this but not a wife whose insecurity issue is based on her physical looks. If you want to compliment other women in front of her, choose those women whose inner beauty appeals to you such as their intelligence or the joyful spirit they have.
If you are this type of a woman, know that you can never rely on your physical beauty for security. It will fail you miserably. You will grow old, have wrinkles, have gray hair, have cellulites and unwanted fat, and so on and so forth. And even if you have cosmetic surgery as an option, it will never bring you back to your youthful look. Come to think of it, what makes you physically beautiful in the eyes of others may not even have anything to do with your body, hair, face, legs, or any physical part of your body. It may have something to do with your attitude ... your personality ... your outlook in life. Tap into your inner beauty. When you learn to do this, age will not matter anymore. In fact, you will remain ageless.
Proverbs 31:30 actually gives the best piece of advice.
Every woman – no matter how beautiful, smart, rich, gorgeous, mature, and strong she is, has her own sets of insecurities. These insecurities were brought about by several factors which include: how people look at her, how she was raised by her parents, and the kinds of relationships she had. Let me explain these factors one by one to further demonstrate what leads to a woman’s insecurity and how to help her overcome it.
HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT HER
Outer Beauty
A woman’s perception of herself is based on other people’s perceptions of her. She will believe she is beautiful if people are delighted with her; and she will believe the opposite if people reject her. If she was well received by most people for the most part of her life, then chances are she will have a more secure disposition of herself. If she was not well received by most people, then her sense of insecurity will be greater.
The kind of acceptance she receives from others also affects the way she sees herself. If men received her well because of her looks and the way she dressed up, her sense of security will be based more on her physical attributes. This also means that when she is not well received, she will feel like she needs to look better. This is the insecurity problem of a lot of pretty and hot women. Since their sense of security is based on how they look physically, they have a hard time accepting aging. They will also find other beautiful women a threat.
If you are married to this type of woman, the best way to help her heal from her insecurity is to help her see other aspects of her that are even far greater than her physical beauty. Focus on her inner beauty and let her realize that these are the factors that make her beautiful, and that her physical look is just a plus factor. Remind her that God created her the way she is but that God is more concerned with her soul and spirit than with her body. Don’t make the mistake of comparing her with other women, more so when it comes to their physical attributes. Don’t say, “that woman is hot”, or “she is fine”, or any other statements of appreciation for another woman that has something to do with the outer beauty. Other women can handle this but not a wife whose insecurity issue is based on her physical looks. If you want to compliment other women in front of her, choose those women whose inner beauty appeals to you such as their intelligence or the joyful spirit they have.
If you are this type of a woman, know that you can never rely on your physical beauty for security. It will fail you miserably. You will grow old, have wrinkles, have gray hair, have cellulites and unwanted fat, and so on and so forth. And even if you have cosmetic surgery as an option, it will never bring you back to your youthful look. Come to think of it, what makes you physically beautiful in the eyes of others may not even have anything to do with your body, hair, face, legs, or any physical part of your body. It may have something to do with your attitude ... your personality ... your outlook in life. Tap into your inner beauty. When you learn to do this, age will not matter anymore. In fact, you will remain ageless.
Proverbs 31:30 actually gives the best piece of advice.
Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!
Every woman totally surrendered to God possesses the kind of beauty that transcends age and physical look.
Inner Beauty
Some beautiful women exert more effort in proving their worth. They don’t want to be just a “hot girl” or some “dumb blonde”. So instead of just looking physically good, they are the ones who work hard in school to get A’s and the ones who go to College, get good careers, and make a name for themselves. These are the women achievers and whose sense of security comes from what they have accomplished. The problem with this sense of security is that it will never get satisfied. There are more things to learn; more things to do; and more goals to accomplish.
If you are married to this type of woman, be very appreciative of her accomplishments. If you want her to be a housewife so she can spend more time with your children, focus on her being a wife and mother as accomplishments. Praise her for what she does. Challenge her to think of a business that she can do from home. Don’t ever be jealous of her or try to compete with her because she will surely win the game, which will just push her to the edge.
To balance your wife out and to help her not base her security on her accomplishments, compliment and appreciate her for her other virtues (more so her soft skills) – her compassionate nature, her caring ways, her sensitivity to what others are going through, her generosity with her time, and her desire to always help others. Focus on these things and you will help your wife realize that it is not her accomplishments that make her who she is but the very nature that God has placed in her.
If you are this type of a woman, know that nothing you have accomplished is even from you. You may have had the gifts and abilities including the determination and perseverance. Yet all these were placed by God in you. You didn’t get it on your own. It was given to you as gifts so that you can fulfill the calling that God has given you. There will be people who will have greater accomplishments than you ... people who have greater ideas ... people who are more gifted in the same areas you have. You can’t keep competing because there is a season for everything under heaven. If you are married, your priority now is your marriage and your children. Your accomplishments should revolve around them – how to be the wife and mother that God called you to be. This is your primary career or ministry now.
HOW SHE WAS RAISED BY HER PARENTS
The first people in our life are our parents. They are the first people who expressed feelings for us, whether these feelings are positive or negative. Thus, how a woman’s parents looked at her, treated her, and raised her, became the first building block to her sense of security or insecurity for that matter.
A woman who grew up without a father (physically and/or emotionally) already lacks an ingredient to her sense of security. This applies the same to a woman who grew up without a mother. A woman needs both her father and mother in her life. However, having both parents is not a guarantee of a stable sense of security for a woman. It all depends on how she was treated and raised.
A woman whose parent(s) praised her for her beauty would have likely built her sense of security on her physical self. Those who were praised for their intelligence would have likely built their sense of security on their accomplishments. Women whose parent(s) insulted them or called them names are the ones who grew up with very low self-esteem. Those who were molested by their own fathers are those who ended up promiscuous, withdrawn, or just angry with the world.
There is another side of the coin too – those whose parents became overly confident of their daughters or who overly praised them. These are women who ended up with a superiority complex and those who can’t accept defeat.
As a husband to a woman who has insecurity issues, find out more about the way her parents raised her. Make your wife see and realize that her parents’ perceptions of her do not necessarily mean that they are right. Help her to come to terms with who she really is the way God made her to be. Verbally express to her your appreciation of who she is. Let her know what qualities she has that drew you to her.
If you are a woman who had problems growing up because of the way your parent(s) treated you, understand that though they have been your biological parents, your real Dad is God. He is the One who knows you better than anybody does. His opinions about you matter more than anybody else’s opinions of you. Find out how He feels and thinks about you by reading and meditating on His Word. Psalm 139 is a great place to begin.
THE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS SHE HAD
A woman’s relationship with men is another great building block to her sense of security. A woman who had daddy issues most likely jumped from one relationship to the next. And since no relationship can ever fill the void that she has in her heart, chances are she ended up more hurt, betrayed, and more insecure.
If you are married to a woman who has been badly hurt in her previous relationships, better be careful that you don’t trigger her insecurities. The best way to facilitate her healing is to know her trigger points and avoid these. Trigger points can be: you talking to another woman; you spending more time with your friends; you coming home late without even telling her where you are; you forgetting to call her; you forgetting special occasions; you forgetting to say “I love you”; and so on and so forth. Always assure her of your love. But more than this always assure her of God’s love. Better be sure that you are solid in your relationship with God. This will help her heal from her trust issues, knowing that you are leaning on the most stable Being.
If you are a woman who has experienced hurt and betrayal in your previous relationships, know that only God can heal you. Understand as well that only God will never hurt you. Even the people who profess to love you will hurt you because they are human just like you. You too have the capability of hurting others. One thing that you have to realize is that sin brings about consequences. Your past relationships were not from God. If you fornicated, then it brought about its consequences. If you were previously married to a man who doesn’t love the Lord, then it brought about its own consequences. If you didn’t wait on God as to the man He has set aside for you, then that brought about its own consequences. What I am saying here is that all your hurts and betrayals were the result of your own disobedience to God. It’s not that you deserved it; it’s just the principle of sowing and reaping: if we obey we will be blessed and if we disobey we will reap the consequences. When you look at your past hurts in this way, you will be released from your anger towards the people who hurt you.
Start focusing on your new life in God – a life of obedience and therefore blessings.
Women, the key to all the things I have discussed here is to find your true security in Jesus. Let Him expose to you what your insecurity issues are and let Him heal you.
Husbands, the key to facilitating your wife’s healing is to find your security in Jesus as well. If you are fully anchored on Him, then He will use you to bring healing to your wife.
Inner Beauty
Some beautiful women exert more effort in proving their worth. They don’t want to be just a “hot girl” or some “dumb blonde”. So instead of just looking physically good, they are the ones who work hard in school to get A’s and the ones who go to College, get good careers, and make a name for themselves. These are the women achievers and whose sense of security comes from what they have accomplished. The problem with this sense of security is that it will never get satisfied. There are more things to learn; more things to do; and more goals to accomplish.
If you are married to this type of woman, be very appreciative of her accomplishments. If you want her to be a housewife so she can spend more time with your children, focus on her being a wife and mother as accomplishments. Praise her for what she does. Challenge her to think of a business that she can do from home. Don’t ever be jealous of her or try to compete with her because she will surely win the game, which will just push her to the edge.
To balance your wife out and to help her not base her security on her accomplishments, compliment and appreciate her for her other virtues (more so her soft skills) – her compassionate nature, her caring ways, her sensitivity to what others are going through, her generosity with her time, and her desire to always help others. Focus on these things and you will help your wife realize that it is not her accomplishments that make her who she is but the very nature that God has placed in her.
If you are this type of a woman, know that nothing you have accomplished is even from you. You may have had the gifts and abilities including the determination and perseverance. Yet all these were placed by God in you. You didn’t get it on your own. It was given to you as gifts so that you can fulfill the calling that God has given you. There will be people who will have greater accomplishments than you ... people who have greater ideas ... people who are more gifted in the same areas you have. You can’t keep competing because there is a season for everything under heaven. If you are married, your priority now is your marriage and your children. Your accomplishments should revolve around them – how to be the wife and mother that God called you to be. This is your primary career or ministry now.
HOW SHE WAS RAISED BY HER PARENTS
The first people in our life are our parents. They are the first people who expressed feelings for us, whether these feelings are positive or negative. Thus, how a woman’s parents looked at her, treated her, and raised her, became the first building block to her sense of security or insecurity for that matter.
A woman who grew up without a father (physically and/or emotionally) already lacks an ingredient to her sense of security. This applies the same to a woman who grew up without a mother. A woman needs both her father and mother in her life. However, having both parents is not a guarantee of a stable sense of security for a woman. It all depends on how she was treated and raised.
A woman whose parent(s) praised her for her beauty would have likely built her sense of security on her physical self. Those who were praised for their intelligence would have likely built their sense of security on their accomplishments. Women whose parent(s) insulted them or called them names are the ones who grew up with very low self-esteem. Those who were molested by their own fathers are those who ended up promiscuous, withdrawn, or just angry with the world.
There is another side of the coin too – those whose parents became overly confident of their daughters or who overly praised them. These are women who ended up with a superiority complex and those who can’t accept defeat.
As a husband to a woman who has insecurity issues, find out more about the way her parents raised her. Make your wife see and realize that her parents’ perceptions of her do not necessarily mean that they are right. Help her to come to terms with who she really is the way God made her to be. Verbally express to her your appreciation of who she is. Let her know what qualities she has that drew you to her.
If you are a woman who had problems growing up because of the way your parent(s) treated you, understand that though they have been your biological parents, your real Dad is God. He is the One who knows you better than anybody does. His opinions about you matter more than anybody else’s opinions of you. Find out how He feels and thinks about you by reading and meditating on His Word. Psalm 139 is a great place to begin.
THE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS SHE HAD
A woman’s relationship with men is another great building block to her sense of security. A woman who had daddy issues most likely jumped from one relationship to the next. And since no relationship can ever fill the void that she has in her heart, chances are she ended up more hurt, betrayed, and more insecure.
If you are married to a woman who has been badly hurt in her previous relationships, better be careful that you don’t trigger her insecurities. The best way to facilitate her healing is to know her trigger points and avoid these. Trigger points can be: you talking to another woman; you spending more time with your friends; you coming home late without even telling her where you are; you forgetting to call her; you forgetting special occasions; you forgetting to say “I love you”; and so on and so forth. Always assure her of your love. But more than this always assure her of God’s love. Better be sure that you are solid in your relationship with God. This will help her heal from her trust issues, knowing that you are leaning on the most stable Being.
If you are a woman who has experienced hurt and betrayal in your previous relationships, know that only God can heal you. Understand as well that only God will never hurt you. Even the people who profess to love you will hurt you because they are human just like you. You too have the capability of hurting others. One thing that you have to realize is that sin brings about consequences. Your past relationships were not from God. If you fornicated, then it brought about its consequences. If you were previously married to a man who doesn’t love the Lord, then it brought about its own consequences. If you didn’t wait on God as to the man He has set aside for you, then that brought about its own consequences. What I am saying here is that all your hurts and betrayals were the result of your own disobedience to God. It’s not that you deserved it; it’s just the principle of sowing and reaping: if we obey we will be blessed and if we disobey we will reap the consequences. When you look at your past hurts in this way, you will be released from your anger towards the people who hurt you.
Start focusing on your new life in God – a life of obedience and therefore blessings.
Women, the key to all the things I have discussed here is to find your true security in Jesus. Let Him expose to you what your insecurity issues are and let Him heal you.
Husbands, the key to facilitating your wife’s healing is to find your security in Jesus as well. If you are fully anchored on Him, then He will use you to bring healing to your wife.
Lisa Maki is the founder, publisher, and editor of God'z Gurlz. More about Lisa at ...
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