WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY HUSBAND
March 2013
by Lisa Maki
Perhaps it was my understanding that only a wife can understand a fellow wife. Or it may have been my stubborn and rebellious ways. It may also have been my preconceived notion that my husband was one-sided and didn’t really see where I was coming from. Whatever the reason was, I rejected a lot of the things that my husband told me about myself. In fact, I felt accused and hurt several times. What I didn’t see then was how God would use those so-called “accusations” to make me a better wife.
My husband didn’t know any better. It’s not as if he knew what a good help-meet was all about. He was simply saying what he thought was wrong with me and was openly expressing how he felt about it. And being the more insensitive gender, he didn’t really think twice before he said anything to me, let alone what I would feel about what he says.
Allow me to share with you the different things that my husband told me about myself, how I felt about it then, and how it changed me later on.
Oh, and before I proceed, let me be honest with you ... I still struggle every now and then when he corrects me or when he tells me something about myself.
You are always busy.
With the busyness I had when I was single, the busyness that my husband saw was not busy for me. Actually, my life now as a married woman is the most rested I have been in my life for the past 20+ years. So imagine my shock when he said to me that I am always busy. Of course I got defensive. And it’s not as if he said this only once. Each time he said it, I would argue and defend myself and finally cut down on some things, and he still ended up saying the same old thing.
God made me realize one day that it’s not the amount of things that I do that makes my husband feel that I am always busy or that I don’t have time for him. Rather, it was my availability when he needs me. Honestly, when I focus my mind on something I can really get lost in what I am doing. When my brain starts working, it is not easy to shut it off. This was the problem.
I began to realize that my main ministry is my marriage and it requires most of my time and attention. That was the same time that I started seeing my husband more, from my spiritual eyes. I became more sensitive to what he is going through and as a result, I began to pray for him more effectively.
I still have the tendency to get caught up in certain activities but I am more cautious now.
You are not working with me. You always do things on your own.
One of the biggest things I had to learn about marriage is working with my husband as a team. As I’ve said a lot of times, I thought that being married was me doing my ministry and my husband doing his’, as we walk side by side complementing each other.
All throughout my single life as a Christian, I was very involved in ministering to women, mostly hurting women. It was my turf ... my comfort zone. I brought this with me in my marriage which made me focus more on this aspect of my ministry thereby neglecting my role as my husband’s help-meet in his ministry.
There is nothing wrong with a husband and wife doing separate things in ministry. However, if the wife’s calling is interfering with her husband’s calling, and if the wife gets so busy that she doesn’t get to support her husband in his calling, then it becomes wrong. In fact, the vision of the husband and wife should be the vision that God gave to the husband. This was the case with Adam. He gave Adam the vision before He created Eve. Eve’s vision was to help her husband fulfill his vision, which is actually their vision.
So my husband telling me what I am not working with him as a team had a lot of truth in it. Though we are still in the process of figuring out how we can work together as a team more effectively, we have surely moved forward from where it used to be. I know for a fact that to make this teamwork very effective, I have to be willing to lay down and sacrifice my own ministry.
You want to compete with me.
If there is one thing that my husband has offended me with, it is him saying that I am competing with him. This is the last thing I will even think of, let alone do. And yet, there is a lot of truth to it ... some truth that I didn’t see until God showed me.
I have always been a competitive person. I never wanted to settle for “mediocrity” which is why I have quit some things that I could not do best. I carried this spirit of healthy competition with me in my walk with Christ which is the reason why I have taken my being “born-again” very seriously. I didn’t want to be just the person sitting in church every service but the person who was making things happen for the furtherance of God’s kingdom here on earth. As a result, I have landed in leadership roles wherever I went.
Since my focus has always been my end of the ministry, and since I have the spirit of competition, I was exerting all my effort into it to make it grow and expand. Consequently, I ended up competing with what my husband was trying to do on his end of the ministry instead of using up my efforts to help him.
You keep a record of wrongs.
Of course I am easily offended. I’m a woman! Women are more sensitive and fragile and this is just how it is. Or is it? Why else did God say that LOVE IS NOT EASILY OFFENDED and that LOVE DOES NOT KEEP A RECORD OF WRONGS? I guess I have no excuse, really.
Among all the things that my husband has accused me with, this one really hit me the hardest because it is the most obvious truth. So many times I have brought back the past to him only because I was still hurting over it.
One thing that God taught me is to release immediate forgiveness ... right after the offense was made and to leave it to Him once and for all. This is something that I have to continue practicing because there are times when I still stumble in this area. I have to constantly remember that God is the One who will vindicate me and will deal with whoever hurts me, if they indeed hurt me. Most of the time it is just my own misperception that leaves me hurt and wounded.
All these things that I’ve learned from my husband didn’t become learning experiences overnight. As I’ve said, my initial reaction was hurt and resistance. Same thing may happen to you. Your husband may be telling you things that God wants you to hear, no matter how much it hurts. He is your head anyway and God will always use him in your life, to lead you to a better place.
My husband didn’t know any better. It’s not as if he knew what a good help-meet was all about. He was simply saying what he thought was wrong with me and was openly expressing how he felt about it. And being the more insensitive gender, he didn’t really think twice before he said anything to me, let alone what I would feel about what he says.
Allow me to share with you the different things that my husband told me about myself, how I felt about it then, and how it changed me later on.
Oh, and before I proceed, let me be honest with you ... I still struggle every now and then when he corrects me or when he tells me something about myself.
You are always busy.
With the busyness I had when I was single, the busyness that my husband saw was not busy for me. Actually, my life now as a married woman is the most rested I have been in my life for the past 20+ years. So imagine my shock when he said to me that I am always busy. Of course I got defensive. And it’s not as if he said this only once. Each time he said it, I would argue and defend myself and finally cut down on some things, and he still ended up saying the same old thing.
God made me realize one day that it’s not the amount of things that I do that makes my husband feel that I am always busy or that I don’t have time for him. Rather, it was my availability when he needs me. Honestly, when I focus my mind on something I can really get lost in what I am doing. When my brain starts working, it is not easy to shut it off. This was the problem.
I began to realize that my main ministry is my marriage and it requires most of my time and attention. That was the same time that I started seeing my husband more, from my spiritual eyes. I became more sensitive to what he is going through and as a result, I began to pray for him more effectively.
I still have the tendency to get caught up in certain activities but I am more cautious now.
You are not working with me. You always do things on your own.
One of the biggest things I had to learn about marriage is working with my husband as a team. As I’ve said a lot of times, I thought that being married was me doing my ministry and my husband doing his’, as we walk side by side complementing each other.
All throughout my single life as a Christian, I was very involved in ministering to women, mostly hurting women. It was my turf ... my comfort zone. I brought this with me in my marriage which made me focus more on this aspect of my ministry thereby neglecting my role as my husband’s help-meet in his ministry.
There is nothing wrong with a husband and wife doing separate things in ministry. However, if the wife’s calling is interfering with her husband’s calling, and if the wife gets so busy that she doesn’t get to support her husband in his calling, then it becomes wrong. In fact, the vision of the husband and wife should be the vision that God gave to the husband. This was the case with Adam. He gave Adam the vision before He created Eve. Eve’s vision was to help her husband fulfill his vision, which is actually their vision.
So my husband telling me what I am not working with him as a team had a lot of truth in it. Though we are still in the process of figuring out how we can work together as a team more effectively, we have surely moved forward from where it used to be. I know for a fact that to make this teamwork very effective, I have to be willing to lay down and sacrifice my own ministry.
You want to compete with me.
If there is one thing that my husband has offended me with, it is him saying that I am competing with him. This is the last thing I will even think of, let alone do. And yet, there is a lot of truth to it ... some truth that I didn’t see until God showed me.
I have always been a competitive person. I never wanted to settle for “mediocrity” which is why I have quit some things that I could not do best. I carried this spirit of healthy competition with me in my walk with Christ which is the reason why I have taken my being “born-again” very seriously. I didn’t want to be just the person sitting in church every service but the person who was making things happen for the furtherance of God’s kingdom here on earth. As a result, I have landed in leadership roles wherever I went.
Since my focus has always been my end of the ministry, and since I have the spirit of competition, I was exerting all my effort into it to make it grow and expand. Consequently, I ended up competing with what my husband was trying to do on his end of the ministry instead of using up my efforts to help him.
You keep a record of wrongs.
Of course I am easily offended. I’m a woman! Women are more sensitive and fragile and this is just how it is. Or is it? Why else did God say that LOVE IS NOT EASILY OFFENDED and that LOVE DOES NOT KEEP A RECORD OF WRONGS? I guess I have no excuse, really.
Among all the things that my husband has accused me with, this one really hit me the hardest because it is the most obvious truth. So many times I have brought back the past to him only because I was still hurting over it.
One thing that God taught me is to release immediate forgiveness ... right after the offense was made and to leave it to Him once and for all. This is something that I have to continue practicing because there are times when I still stumble in this area. I have to constantly remember that God is the One who will vindicate me and will deal with whoever hurts me, if they indeed hurt me. Most of the time it is just my own misperception that leaves me hurt and wounded.
All these things that I’ve learned from my husband didn’t become learning experiences overnight. As I’ve said, my initial reaction was hurt and resistance. Same thing may happen to you. Your husband may be telling you things that God wants you to hear, no matter how much it hurts. He is your head anyway and God will always use him in your life, to lead you to a better place.
So wives ... when you feel some resistance over what your husband is telling you, chances are there is a lot of truth in it. Bring your resistance before the Lord and ask Him to expose to you what needs to be exposed about you. Yield to Him and His perfect will for you. It’s not what you want but what God wants.
Husbands ... don’t hesitate to speak to your wife over some things that you are noticing, even if you think she will resist or get offended. However, I suggest that you pray first and be sure that you are led by the Spirit of God.
At the end of the day, don’t all of us want to be better people and more effective in the roles that God has given us? I do and I don’t care what it takes to get there. I hope you do too.
At the end of the day, don’t all of us want to be better people and more effective in the roles that God has given us? I do and I don’t care what it takes to get there. I hope you do too.
Lisa Maki is the founder, publisher, and editor of God'z Gurlz. More about Lisa at ...
http://www.godzgurlz.com/regular-contributors.html
http://www.godzgurlz.com/regular-contributors.html
