YOU NEED TIME TO HEAL
NOVEMBER 2012
by Lisa Maki
Have you ever wondered why after a break-up, a person normally jumps into another relationship? In fact, there are those who wait for a potential relationship before they leave the person they are with. If you are one of these people, I want to warn you of how dangerous this can be and how it can damage your future relationships.
The biggest factor on why a person jumps from one relationship to the next is the fear of being alone. Every other reason stems from this main one. And until a person is content being alone, she will not be ready to be with someone else. I will explain to you why.
When a person’s security is anchored on other people or things, this person will crumble when what she is holding on to fails. She will end up co-dependent, controlling, or a nervous wreck. Unless a person’s security is anchored on God, none of her relationships will succeed. To establish security in God requires an intimate relationship with Him. This is the only way anyone can be confident in who she is in God. And to build an intimate relationship with God takes undivided time alone with Him. Now how can this be possible if a person is consumed with being in a relationship?
To make matters worse, a break-up brings pain and hurts with it, no matter how peaceful the break-up was. This requires healing, and healing takes time. When a person jumps into another relationship soon, the hurts have not even healed yet. They were just brushed under the rug, with the other unhealed hurts from the past, and eventually it will resurface, worse than before, damaging the relationship again. This cycle will continue until you give yourself a break and let God heal you.
Imagine yourself wearing a white shirt with no stain. Then you get into a relationship and the shirt now has a little stain. Then you moved to the next and your shirt has more stain. Then you moved to another one and your shirt has greater stains. Each time you move from one to the next, you don’t wash the stain on your shirt. So the shirt just gets dirtier and dirtier and the stains become more difficult to remove.
This is what happens to your heart as you move from one relationship to the next. And honestly, God doesn’t even want you to have many relationships. He only wants you to have one, and that is with your future husband.
How I wish I knew this then. I would have avoided all those pains and hurts and would have healed earlier. This is the very reason why I am warning you, because of the very things I’ve been through.
I was 14 when I met the man who eventually became my first husband. I was too young to even be in a relationship, let alone a serious relationship. I experienced a lot of hurts at a very young age. At 19 I got pregnant and married. For 10 long years I experienced hurt after hurt, betrayal after betrayal, to the point that I’ve learned to numb my heart. Barely out of the relationship and before my divorce, I got involved with another man. This went on for several years until I surrendered my life to Jesus. In fact, it still took about 2 years after I got reborn when I finally got out of this relationship. I never even got the chance to mourn for my first relationship let alone to heal from all my hurts since I was 14. Then I had to deal with that other relationship I had and all the hurts that went with it. Praise God I didn’t jump into another relationship right away after that. God didn’t allow me to. He didn’t give me any opportunities because He wanted me to know Him first, fall in love with Him, be intimate with Him, and build my security in Him.
You see, when I met my ex-husband, I was looking for some security in a man that I never felt from my father. Instead of finding security, I experienced fear and doubt, which damaged the marriage. I sought security again in my next relationship but instead of finding it, I experienced more insecurity. The man could not even marry me because he was still married. What a mess I got myself into.
Insecurities ... fears ... hurts ... doubts ... anger ... these were feelings I had buried deep into the recesses of my hearts that would have exploded violently had God not saved me. I remember almost having a nervous breakdown in that first marriage (I can’t even call it a marriage, honestly) but I suppressed all my feelings by rebelling against my ex-husband and the relationship. Then in that second relationship I remember breaking down one day as well, but again, I tried to self-medicate through alcohol, cigarettes, parties, my career, and anything that could distract me. And mind you, in between those two relationships, and while the relationships were still going on, I had some extra-curricular activities going on the side as my act of rebellion. That surely added to all the anger and negative feelings I already had in my heart.
I was dead tired when I finally surrendered my life to Jesus. I was ready for change. This was the main reason why I could not even get myself to think of being in any relationship. My heart stopped beating. Jesus had to resuscitate me and He gave me an open-heart surgery and put a brand new heart in me. The whole process from the surgery - to the heart transplant - to the healing and recovery was tedious and painful. Yet, it was necessary not only for my total healing but also for my preparation for my promised man.
You don’t have to rush. You don’t have to fear being alone. God knows what He is doing. Don’t try to put matters into your own hands or it will never work. In fact, it will just get worse. Surrender your life to Jesus. He is the only One who can heal you. Let Him give you a brand new heart. Get to know Him and fall in love with Him. Get all the love from Him that no man ever gave you and no man can ever give you. Soak and bask in His love. Then you will not even think of being with any man. And when that time comes, then He will know that He has you completely. He will know that no one can take His place in your heart. Only then will He finally give you to the man He has set aside for you.
Take it from me. I’ve been there. And where I am now is more than what I even thought of or imagined.
The biggest factor on why a person jumps from one relationship to the next is the fear of being alone. Every other reason stems from this main one. And until a person is content being alone, she will not be ready to be with someone else. I will explain to you why.
When a person’s security is anchored on other people or things, this person will crumble when what she is holding on to fails. She will end up co-dependent, controlling, or a nervous wreck. Unless a person’s security is anchored on God, none of her relationships will succeed. To establish security in God requires an intimate relationship with Him. This is the only way anyone can be confident in who she is in God. And to build an intimate relationship with God takes undivided time alone with Him. Now how can this be possible if a person is consumed with being in a relationship?
To make matters worse, a break-up brings pain and hurts with it, no matter how peaceful the break-up was. This requires healing, and healing takes time. When a person jumps into another relationship soon, the hurts have not even healed yet. They were just brushed under the rug, with the other unhealed hurts from the past, and eventually it will resurface, worse than before, damaging the relationship again. This cycle will continue until you give yourself a break and let God heal you.
Imagine yourself wearing a white shirt with no stain. Then you get into a relationship and the shirt now has a little stain. Then you moved to the next and your shirt has more stain. Then you moved to another one and your shirt has greater stains. Each time you move from one to the next, you don’t wash the stain on your shirt. So the shirt just gets dirtier and dirtier and the stains become more difficult to remove.
This is what happens to your heart as you move from one relationship to the next. And honestly, God doesn’t even want you to have many relationships. He only wants you to have one, and that is with your future husband.
How I wish I knew this then. I would have avoided all those pains and hurts and would have healed earlier. This is the very reason why I am warning you, because of the very things I’ve been through.
I was 14 when I met the man who eventually became my first husband. I was too young to even be in a relationship, let alone a serious relationship. I experienced a lot of hurts at a very young age. At 19 I got pregnant and married. For 10 long years I experienced hurt after hurt, betrayal after betrayal, to the point that I’ve learned to numb my heart. Barely out of the relationship and before my divorce, I got involved with another man. This went on for several years until I surrendered my life to Jesus. In fact, it still took about 2 years after I got reborn when I finally got out of this relationship. I never even got the chance to mourn for my first relationship let alone to heal from all my hurts since I was 14. Then I had to deal with that other relationship I had and all the hurts that went with it. Praise God I didn’t jump into another relationship right away after that. God didn’t allow me to. He didn’t give me any opportunities because He wanted me to know Him first, fall in love with Him, be intimate with Him, and build my security in Him.
You see, when I met my ex-husband, I was looking for some security in a man that I never felt from my father. Instead of finding security, I experienced fear and doubt, which damaged the marriage. I sought security again in my next relationship but instead of finding it, I experienced more insecurity. The man could not even marry me because he was still married. What a mess I got myself into.
Insecurities ... fears ... hurts ... doubts ... anger ... these were feelings I had buried deep into the recesses of my hearts that would have exploded violently had God not saved me. I remember almost having a nervous breakdown in that first marriage (I can’t even call it a marriage, honestly) but I suppressed all my feelings by rebelling against my ex-husband and the relationship. Then in that second relationship I remember breaking down one day as well, but again, I tried to self-medicate through alcohol, cigarettes, parties, my career, and anything that could distract me. And mind you, in between those two relationships, and while the relationships were still going on, I had some extra-curricular activities going on the side as my act of rebellion. That surely added to all the anger and negative feelings I already had in my heart.
I was dead tired when I finally surrendered my life to Jesus. I was ready for change. This was the main reason why I could not even get myself to think of being in any relationship. My heart stopped beating. Jesus had to resuscitate me and He gave me an open-heart surgery and put a brand new heart in me. The whole process from the surgery - to the heart transplant - to the healing and recovery was tedious and painful. Yet, it was necessary not only for my total healing but also for my preparation for my promised man.
You don’t have to rush. You don’t have to fear being alone. God knows what He is doing. Don’t try to put matters into your own hands or it will never work. In fact, it will just get worse. Surrender your life to Jesus. He is the only One who can heal you. Let Him give you a brand new heart. Get to know Him and fall in love with Him. Get all the love from Him that no man ever gave you and no man can ever give you. Soak and bask in His love. Then you will not even think of being with any man. And when that time comes, then He will know that He has you completely. He will know that no one can take His place in your heart. Only then will He finally give you to the man He has set aside for you.
Take it from me. I’ve been there. And where I am now is more than what I even thought of or imagined.
